This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Journal Entry, Abridged: Here Again, Gone Again

Here I am, again, back to square one, again.  Back on track, again. Maybe I can comfort myself with the hopeful idea that every departure from my best intentions (and to the happy, if sick, land of total indulgence) is accompanied by an even more quick return.
Mom has gone.  I awoke early, drank a cup of coffee, and then did pilates.  The pilates is a slightly boring, but necessary, exercise.  My core is deceptive.  I want it strong.  So, for thirty days - that's the newest resolution - I will do pilates five times a week with yoga interruptions when I want or need them.  Sunday through Thursday pilates and yoga.  That, combined with the daily walk, gardening, cleaning, carrying, and recreation aught to do it.  One day at a time.  Forever learning what it is to make the right choices and, even more difficult for me, commit to them.  

I'm not sure what I want to work out next (on this page), life is so... full!  I may not always look busy - I do take a lot of leisure time at night, - but there's fitness, nutrition, sexual needs, motherhood, house and car maintenance, decoration and design, cleanliness, writing, knitting (I wish!), reading...dreaming.  Ya Hoo!  Insane.  Or rather - Life.  That's a totally prosperous life.  What heft!  And...right now I don't want to pare it down, that's not the right thing to do.  I know this is the beginning of the thickest part of my life.  I hope I grow only more efficient, yet (as Mom says) "relaxed and easy going," as I adjust - because then I can, and will, add more into the mix. 

Mom's visit was lovely.  Not what I expected.  I expected to feel more emotional somehow.  I don't know why and I don't know quite what that expectation looked like.  I have missed her more than I seem to be able to express when she's present.  Maybe that's part of how we work together.  No focusing on our shared history or longing together.  We glide silently, immediately, over exclusive tenderness to gossip, family stories and analyses, judgement calls; then to jokes, puns, and clever, if biting, remarks.  Sharp tongue Mama, quick silver tongue daughter.  Our husbands ask us to slow down, chill out, and we try, though I didn't fully realize the extent to which my mom can yammer.  Salamander sure does get her going.  It's really sweet.  Achingly so, now that she's gone again. 

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