This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Happy Anything Can Happen Day!

I don't know how it came to be, but Wednesdays have been dubbed anything can happen day around our house.  I've always loved Wednesdays.   I guess I love many forms of middle ground in a big way.  

I wanted to stop by and post a quickie here today because I've been thinking that several of my recent posts have been representative of difficult times and I don't want to mislead.  Bottom line: we're doing good!  

Looking back at Monday I can see that I not only lost my perspective, but I also forgot who Salamander's parents are;  I'm psychic, the degree to which I can hear people's thoughts increases extensively the more time I spend with them and Hadj is an empath, meaning he can feel people's emotions.  We both have these sensitivities.  It's not like we're out there reading folks on the sidewalk or assuming we know anything, but these abilities are constantly manifest in our relationship.  That being said, it stands to reason that Salamander is going to be one sensitive little guy and I was in a rough way from the beginning of Monday morning.  I was simply worn out from an intense weekend of emotional processing and that left me with pretty shallow reserves at the start of the week.  Simply put, I was not prepared to be a stay at home Mama all day again.

So anyway!  My reserves have been re-upped and folks are standing in the sidelines shouting their support to me.  I beam my thanks back at them as I go forward with determination and concentration.

Another thing that I'm aware has been dogging me pretty badly is the baby weight I'm carrying.  For me, weight is not a simple issue of looks, clothes, or self consciousness.  People tell me not to worry or they simplify an issue which is simple, but can feel extremely complex and difficult for me.  I feel that many strengths I have developed over the last dozen years are weakened because of the weight I'm at now and the emotional havoc it's wreaking on me.  The issues are pretty personal, nothing so attention grabbing as some kind of dramatic headline so I don't know how to simply describe them.  Suffice it to say this weight is bringing me down in a big way.

I'm taking the right steps and I need to be patient, but also active, and kind.  My default M.O., when things feel tough, is to be very cerebral: to think, question, analyze, and write.  In this situation my default is not working for me.  I need to stop thinking, move, breathe, and trust.  I need to turn the volume of my mental chatter down and increase the singing of my healing and strengthening muscles.

It is really all about me, isn't it?  Yes, this blog is!  And I'll never escape my own experience!  I thought, for a minute, that this blog would somehow become about Salamander, because I so enjoy composing love notes to him.  I still compose those notes, but they're not making it to the "page" with much regularity at this time and perhaps that's because I can't twist, turn, examine, and wonder about the love that's there for him.  It just is, as real as day, as old as time; if you'll forgive the old sayings.

The cycle is typical.  I broke down and now I'm refreshed, rejuvenated, and excited.  I'm excited to eat right, smaller portions, exercise, stretch, and get out there.  I'm excited with ideas I have for community building for myself and my family.  I'm excited to be doing yoga twice a week at a studio, excited to be knitting, excited to be writing, cooking, being me.    And Salamander?  He's gorgeous, fabulous, perfect.  He's slept from 10pm to 4:30am for the last two nights.  It's awesome, thanks for bearing with me and giving me your suggestions and support.  He's kinda cranky when he wakes up.  It's freaking adorable.  He loves having his diaper changed.  He smiles and grins like winner.  Every time strangers tell me how beautiful he is, I beam.  I know Hadj and I made him, but he feels otherworldly, miraculous.  He held a rattle for several minutes yesterday.  He's an inspiration.


Anonymous said...

Hey Friend,

I understand what you are going through (at least to the degree in which I can being that I have never had a little salamander). I think you are amazing for putting yourself out there, naming your feelings and where they stem from. This kind of transparency is rare and beautiful in people and a testimony to the depth and richness of character we are created for. My heart is with you in your new focus and endeavors. I will be praying for strength, focus and joy! Hug!!!


Anonymous said...

I am so delighted to hear that you are getting some great rest! It changes the world sometimes! I understand about the weight, too. I am disappointed with how slowly mine is coming off. I am walking 3 or 4 times a week for 40 min. and I have even cut back on how much I am eating. But my milk seems to be just fine, so I am sticking with a lighter fare. But I think it is good that we are loosing it slowly - more likely to stay off that way!

And yes, he is a miracle! My favorite quote about babies comes from the Bible: Psalms 139. It is a love note from God to us really. Here is part of it:
"13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you."


rawqueen said...

Keep Beaming! Love yourself. You will soon arrive at your feel good, physical place. Sometimes I think we need a little extra protection, softness, (baby weight) to ease the impact of the rapid and sometimes cold, world around us. :) It's not easy being a mama, especially when so few of us are cradled by the "village" Bless you in this precious time! And awesome about the rattle. One Love.