Why on earth do I share that? It still feels so wrong that I did that. I was feeling terribly ashamed of myself a lot today. I was feeling ashamed, unenlightened, debased, and detached. I share it because it's normal, my closest friends say. It's normal, comedian parents (leads to something rated R) say. "It's normal to want to squish their little faces in," my nanny/doula/artist friend told me; "the important thing is that you don't." I share it thinking that another new parent might come along to this post some day and feel better from reading it. I share it to be honest about it all and because I've forgiven myself.
After that horrible rotten no good very bad moment I took three deep breaths and got back to the work at hand. I could have sworn, today, that I am not cut out for this; not strong enough to be a stay at home mom; in the wrong position. If a bible, or judge of some higher court, had been put in front of me and asked me to tell the honest to goodness truth about my abilities I would have undercut myself. I was so tired. So sure I was falling prey to some terrible mental demons. And yet...even as I cried about this to myself in my most upset moments, there was that stubborn golden core of mine knowing, as she always damn does, that I was lying through my gritted teeth.
Peter did not feel very brave; indeed, he felt he was going to be sick. But that made no difference to what he had to do. He rushed straight up to the monster and aimed a slash of his sword at its side. "Peter's First Battle," The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, C.S. LewisI watched an animated film from Hayao Miyazaki called Ponyo last week. It's a cute fable about a magical sea and a magical fish who falls in love with a boy and gets to become a girl through the power of love. I really loved three things about it. First the animation is gorgeous. Then there's the strong sweet character of the boy, Sosuke, and the enthusiastic strong nature of girl/fish, Ponyo. But I also really love the character of the mother. She's imperfect, angry, a terrifying driver, and also deeply caring, wise to the needs of children, brave, and forgiving. There's a moment when she's really pissed and wallowing. Her five year old son gives her an unbelievably wise pep-talk and she snaps out her funk. She rolls over, scoops him into her arms telling him how good he is, and sings a little song that just goes
I'm happy as can be!
She just decides it. She forgives, forgets, owns up, and brightens. She next declares her intention to "start with dessert and go backwards" for "it's been a backwards kind of day." I love that mom. I love her son and how he takes life in stride, just like all kids do. I love the wisdom of children. They don't hold grudges when they're that young. They don't worry or compare. They're the truest creatures I've ever known and I'm so glad I'm here to witness it up close. I'm happy as can be to be the student of my infant, and growing, son.