This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Monday, February 28, 2011

Own Up and Brighten

Oh what a day.  I couldn't call my neighbor because I was sobbing so hard.  I couldn't swallow my pride and let her see me like that.  I knew I probably should, but just couldn't do it.  When SalBaby had cried through another nap time and my patience reserve ran dry I said, "I'm going to calmly put you down now and go into the other room."  Once in the bathroom I swore a blue streak.  Earlier today I couldn't admit this, but here and now I will: I quietly swore myself silly in my little isolation chamber; in the process "telling" my two month old to shut up and calling him a bastard.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Keeping Limber

During the first nap:
It's time for some honesty.  Some scary, smacked in the balls, I don't know where this'll take me honesty.  I've begun and erased four different sentences on this e-page and that's what tells me I have to begin right where I am and not care where it leads.  I have to trust it will lead to the place it's supposed to.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A Winded Fable About Where to Sleep

I colluded in seven weeks of teaching my son that "to fall asleep" means to be in a squishy king sized bed against a big warm body (or two).  It means a nipple in his mouth and a boob on his cheek.  Now I'm paying the price.

But he was is so cuddlesome!

I'm paying the price because I want my bed back.  I want to be able to turn over at my will again.  It's been since August (at five months pregnant) that I could do that! I want to be able to full body snuggle my man more often! And stuff!

I'm reading Secrets of the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg.  I think her suggestions are very appealing and workable.  And now I'm in an intense negotiation phase with Salamander.  This kid knows what he wants!!  I  do know that babies cry inexplicably sometimes, or at least, I have been told that many times.  And I don't necessarily doubt it.  But I also have moments of sheer oneness with my child and lately he's telling me loud and clear what he does and does not like.  He does not like to show me how strong his legs are when he's tired.  He does like sleeping with boobs on his face.  Typical male.  Sorry, that's crude...

In my opinion, there's a lot of common sense missing from the oft recommended reading for earth crunchy types of parenting.  A quick list while I'm thinking about it: feeding on demand, infant potty training, saying "no way jose" to pacifiers all the time.  Maybe I'll find a magical trick or change my tune on these later, but at this point in time I just want a routine that I can breathe more freely in.  I don't want to internally swing wildly from doing whatever he wants to trying to cram in as much "me time" (which sadly often means chores or eating a meal!) as I can stomach while he cries it out in his crib.

We realized today that actually, we haven't even tried his crib.  We've tried the handy seeming "side car" our friends loaned us, but not the beautiful crib my parents gave him.  When Hadj pointed it out I thought about the coolness of his room as opposed to the often dry heat our wood pellet stove creates in our bedroom, the serene sea foam walls of his room, the air of a stillness away from hubbub and I sighed in relief.  Another notch in a sane sounding plan.  I think I just stumbled on a perfect parenting slogan.

This may be one of those times that I look back and wish I'd taken a different route.  Putting wee Salamander in his own crib right off the bat would have been terribly difficult for the first two nights (probably seven) and I'm pretty sure I would have sat at his crib side like a sick pup until I passed out from exhaustion...HOWEVER...I'll probably do something like that anyway now, but first, I have to go through lawd-knows-how-long getting him to accept the switch.  I'll let you know how that goes, some day...

In her book, Tracy Hogg stresses for parents to pay very close attention to their baby's common cues in order to work with them in a cyclic daily system.  Luckily, I'm already an expert on this because I have spent damn near exactly seven weeks to the hour observing him.  Now that Ms. Hogg has handily pointed out some more of the common cues that I wasn't picking up on, I'm feeling confidently golden.  I'm no fool to think there won't be stops and starts, progress and regress, as we go, but I do believe that we can learn our way to a system of sleep that will provide all household humans the independence, comfort, and sanity needed for a contented life.

And there's the moral for ya, in the end there.

Bittersweet Little Onesies

So the clothes thing: in my last post I mentioned how clothing on our son sometimes feels like a sadness to me.  It's an indication of time, and so many parents want to freeze time more than anything.  Want to stop up that hour glass and play in the top half of the sands infinitely.  Maybe that is a memory we can live inside of forever when we are gone.

Monday, February 14, 2011

While My Infant Son Napped

I made this book while my infant son napped.  I could only cut the pictures while he slept so the pictures are small and quick gleanings from my new life as a mother.  The dining room table became my studio.  I would put down my pencil as lightly as possible so as not to disturb the baby, hoping for a few more moments of work before I, too, had to take a nap.
The alphabet was never finished intentionally; the naps were too short and life too thrilling to justify going all the way to Z. 
-Nikki McClure, Authors Note from AWAKE to NAP

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Salamander Three

It occurred to me that I've not been fulfilling my duty as a proud parent on my blog yet! I need to post bragging pictures of our beautiful son! So, here are a few, ranging from a week to five weeks old.

a week old

cheery at five weeks

showing off one of his dimples, three weeks

Friday, February 4, 2011

Makes for Biochemical Peace

At some point we become mature enough to realize that our parents existed as individuals, with rich lives, before us.  While sitting on the back deck, taking in serenity through osmosis, I thought of that and then thought of the reverse implication: right now, I am Salamander's world.  I want to do my best to make his world a peaceful one while I can.  
serenity through osmosis on the back deck


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Love Rendering Kvetch

The boychik is in his car seat still and a sense of extreme urgency has gripped my ridiculous mind.  His car seat is pushed up against the dryer which is running needlessly, in order to create the white noise and vibrations that I hope will render him sleepy for a few more precious moments.  I am facing the new mommy problem of seriously needing some me time.  I have been operating primarily according to my newborn's wishes for six weeks now and my need to exercise, write anything, knit, etc., has been over ridden. 

Don't let my kvetching throw you off.  I am, obviously, in complete, mind-numbing love with my child, but