This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

To Hold What We Love of the World

I want to post here more regularly, but I don't want to agonize over it.  I want to read more inspirational sentences, lines, works. I want more energy during the day. 

I told Hadj yesterday that I think I've reached the point in pregnancy, which is commonly talked about in the US culture, wherein...I feel I'll be pregnant forever.  Yes, it's true.  This pregnancy has been an astounding and amazing experience, but truly, my patience (deeper than I ever imagined already!) is waning.  When I told a mommy in arms the other day that I don't know the sex of our baby-to-be her eyes popped, "You're so patient!" she exclaimed. 

I made a list of things that were funny or exciting to me when I was just in my first trimester.  Here's another one, my second and last, pregnancy list.  

1. I have learned more about the capabilities of the healthy female body than ever before and it has marked me in the most brave of ways. 

2. I have met, and am meeting, women who have walked this path and who will show me the way.  At some point in labor and birth, and at a few points already I will have felt a kind of complete oneness with the mothers of the world; all of them.

3. I have made friends with the Hitachi vibrating wand at last, and I am SO grateful.

4. Hadj and I have jumped many hurdles and are stronger for it.  I feel I fall in love everyday.

5. My freezer is absolutely jammed with home-made soups, stews, desserts, breads, beans, etc. for when we're too tired to make anything nourishing for ourselves. It's a gorgeous, cozy sight.

6. There are not-so-fun things too: carpal tunnel symptoms that keep me awake throughout the night, fingers that look like balloons, calves that are twice their original size...

7. My beautiful man told me to revel in my size last night.  He said it was lovely and nothing to fear.  "Fat is nothing to be afraid of," he said, "it's not permanent.  It's softy soft."

8. That whole hair and fingernails thing really is fun. 

9. I currently sleep close to ten hours a night (even if it is in intervals) and then spend a portion of my day laying around the house AND I don't feel bad about it.  That seems miraculous to me. 

10. I am more excited to meet our child than I was for Disney World, first solo drive, first orgasm, first love, first apartment, first big paycheck, first solo vacation, or any other first combined, times ten. 

11.  I totally just forgot what this one was supposed to be.  That's called pregnancy brain and if it's not a "real thing" then it's a great excuse. 

Now, on the earlier mentioned note of wanting more beautiful language to populate my days, a poem that I heard on the The Writer's Almanac today.

Manna

Everywhere, everywhere, snow sifting down,
a world becoming white, no more sounds,
no longer possible to find the heart of the day,
the sun is gone, the sky is nowhere, and of all
I wanted in life – so be it – whatever it is
that brought me here, chance, fortune, whatever
blessing each flake of snow is the hint of, I am
grateful, I bear witness, I hold out my arms,
palms up, I know it is impossible to hold
for long what we love of the world, but look
at me, is it foolish, shameful, arrogant to say this,
see how the snow drifts down, look how happy
I am.

from Of This World. © Copper Canyon Press, 2009.

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