This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

How I Didn't Chicken Out and How it Paid Off

As I mentioned yesterday, I have voyeuristic tendencies which I'm questioning the value of currently.  I also have a tendency to use my truly easy going nature as an excuse to put up with less than satisfying situations just so I can avoid having, what I perceive as being a possibly, difficult conversation.  This contributes further to my seeming flighty in that, I will "put up with" something for as long as possible, then I will bolt as quickly and quietly as I can, vainly hoping to seem to really disappear, just because I can no longer "handle" the situation.  I said to myself, as I debated the lackluster therapy, "How should I approach this?  Should I just give it another shot tomorrow? Maybe it felt poor because it'd been so many weeks since I saw her last."  I eventually talked myself out of this approach.  There was no need to conceal my real feelings on it, it would be counter productive to therapy at all, I decided.  I did not want to fear her reaction on my reasons for wanting to talk about my dissatisfaction, there was no reason to do so. 
I linked this habit of "putting up with," when I was giving myself the best therapy talk I'd had in awhile, to another tendency of mine which is to resist asking for help until I'm positively overwhelmed and freaking out.  Here's something a lot of learn to do: conceal our real feelings and needs for fear of hurting someone else.  It's pointless to do that!  Every human has a right to get their needs met, or to at least try, adapt, and overcome the shortcomings of any given situation!  We do not need to add to suffering to life ourselves! There is enough voodoo and bad luck and bad things that happen that are beyond our control, we do not need to make ourselves tired or sick worrying about hurting someone's feelings, just by being (thoughtfully) honest.  So I remembered knowing that and became determined, if still nervous, to just say what I felt simply and kindly.

I had decided to use the last thirty minutes of a fifty minute session to talk about this stuff.  I wasn't sure what I'd fill the first twenty minutes with, but I vowed not to chicken out.  Now, reader, please do me a favor: don't mistake my dialogues around all this as being overwrought neuroses.  What all this self talk intended to do was to be honest with myself about my needs, my feelings, my shortcomings, and my strengths in this particular area.  It was intended to shine a light on an area I'd rather cowardly keep dark and scary.  It was intended to remind me that there is absolutely no reason to be nervous, even at a low frequency hum in the background, about a thing I am able to choose the outcome of.  All this self talk is (yes, in one part mentally masturbatory) intended to empower!  And so I continue on...

I went in today and she said, "So, what's going on?"  I stammered for a few minutes of vapid small talk, telling her I'd been wondering myself what I'd say to her today; that I'd considered just telling her about my week.  Then I felt that I was flapping around futilely to pass twenty minutes before talking about what I really needed to talk about, ditched that plan, and dove right in with, "I'm not sure I'm getting what I want to be getting out of this therapy."  What I want to be getting, I told her, is resolution to my small and niggling insecurities and fears.  I want a more intuitive connection with the person I spend time talking to.  I want more of a spiritual focus.  "I knew you were going to say that" she said with a smile, when I said "spiritual."  So we spent twenty minutes going over that.  I did my best to tell the truth without putting judgment on my feelings and to be clear about what I really want.  No more chameleon, I tell myself now.  No more fearing what there is no need to fear.

She talked about her strengths and tried to give suggestions for the kind of person I might want.  We talked further, my assuring her that age and degree didn't really have anything to do with it, but interest, experience, and exposure.  She gave me a brochure for an area therapist who does a different kind of work than she does.  I told her she had given me some great suggestions and resources, a few of which I've already explored and enjoyed.  She is the one who recommended the psychic I saw about a month ago.   Finding that we'd resolved my needs with twenty minutes left to go I said, "if you don't mind I think I'll just keep talking until we're done, I can always think of something to talk about."  And so I did.  I even went a minute over while finishing a story I was telling her.  She told me she got lost in my stories, "totally wrapped up in them," and that felt really empowering.  So by leaving her, I got exactly what I was looking for.

Come back tomorrow for one of those stories she got wrapped up in and more on that psychic I keep telling y'all about...

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