I actually really enjoy working, alone or in collaboration. I love putting my energy to use to manifest outcomes, it's exhilarating and satisfying. The problem, as I see it now, is that I keep trying to give myself away half-heartedly; because I think I need to for this or that reason. This is a matter, now, of spiritual fulfillment, of deep enrichment.
When I was driving an hour to work each way, earlier this year, I took the opportunity to do some audio-reading. One of the favorite listens was of a collection of quotes about and by Jim Henson. His characters were quoted, his kids, his colleagues, his admirers. One of the quotes that has stuck with me needs to be paraphrased here: Usually when you're entering your teens you feel that the world is happening to you. Nothing is in your control, your parents, your schooling, even your friends are doing things, and are things, happening to you. When you begin to get older, you begin to realize that this is not so. You are the one in control. Sometimes it is a gradual process over a long time and sometimes it hits you: Bam! I began to have that realization when I was in my early twenties and the realization itself seems to come in ebbs and flows. Every time it flows it deepens; the knowledge I gained from the last rush of understanding becomes enriched and I am further able to see who I am and where I am going.
This morning, when I wrote the opening statement in my journal, I knew I had to make a choice. I could cut my losses and go do something that would make me feel good and feel useful. Or I could try to tough it out and complete the number of hours which I have given myself as a daily requirement of job seeking. I had seen it all before and remembered how forcing myself to power through such a task depressed and further discouraged me. Also, I wondered about the energy I would be putting out if I continued to seek something so half-heartedly.
I went outside. It's finally feeling like summer here and I answered the siren song of the sun. I pruned some of the wild berry brambles back, I played with the animals, I called a friend, I soaked in some sunshine and felt good. I felt I had beaten the day somehow. I had made the choice with the best possible outcome.
I realize that my inner self is very strong, but that my ego-self is even stronger. It is not a matter of metaphoric brute strength per se, but a matter of which part of me has more experience running things. I want to nurture my inner self, I need to. I feel it calling me in a direction that will be endlessly fulfilling, even if the logistics of how that will be are murky to me.
I picked up a book that was given to me a couple years ago and began reading. I have never read Deepak Chopra before, though I know he is wildly famous and successful for doling out spiritual advice and wisdom to the eager Western seekers. As I read through the first section of The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success I could feel sparks of excitement jumping in me. I wanted to scour it for all the wisdom and self-help it presented so I could put into motion my own success immediately. But one question kept nagging at me: Who is my true self? I have seen inklings of her, and can guess at her basic drive, but the doubts over-laid on me by my fear mongering ego were all pervasive. I wondered, Does he tell you how to find out what your true self is saying? He does, it turns out. That's what the book is all about. He even gives simple steps to follow toward the path of success.
I'm not going to freak out and froth at the mouth, hungry to reach the finish line of his steps to being a life-time-grand prize winner. But I am going to try to incorporate the tips he gives in a very intentional and dedicated way. If I'm on the path to inner fulfillment, it can't hurt to take a few more focused steps forward, since I have all this time on my hands.
You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait. You need not even wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet. - Franz Kafka