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This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Not the Most Constructive of Posts

I feel like I'm in the midst of a hormonal mutiny.  It must have begun sometime Sunday, when I noticed that I had less energy to devote to listening or interacting with my visiting friends and partner.  The first signs of emotional overthrow were evident Sunday night as I wailed, tears streaming in buckets down my face.  In my stress had my first moment of feeling like a terrible mother...

already

...and I thought it was bad when Billie got lost for 24 hours.  All the books talk about mood swings and the developing worry habits of expectant mothers, making me want to bury my head in the sand and put on another distractingly hopeful Pixar movie.

On Monday I had an emotional hangover, which I attempted to douse with meditation, yoga, and my normal daily routine.  Look for jobs, clean house, make meals, play with animals, meditate, yoga, rinse, repeat.  At least I've managed to work flossing back into my daily routine.  Four days in a row and counting. 

Yesterday, I did alright until I got home from my day at the local employment center.  I was even feeling close to motivated.  The appearance of my little home in the woods deflated me somehow though, and I wound up under the covers devoted only to finishing Water for Elephants (very good, by the way). 

I admitted last night, or realized, that the sensations in my abdomen are probably my growing baby's movements.  I felt how my stomach organ is up much higher than before and then realized the gurgling / popping feeling in my lower abdomen were Mm. Niblet in the flesh.  Exciting, right?

If I weren't so busy trying to keep my head above water maybe.  I feel disconnected from most things that I know bring me joy, disconnected from joy itself.  I dreamt of blood for the first time in months last night, and am suddenly having bouts of middle of the night insomnia.  There are tiny plans, directions, percolating in the back of my mind; good instructions on how to keep going, perk up, focus and allow for it all...but they don't remain clear for long.

So...sigh.  I'm having a grand old time.  Even my sarcasm is limited in scope... Just hang out, some part of me assures, this will pass too. 

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