I want to shake myself into hard focus, because last week was one in which I dissolved. I want to say "went underground" because it's more visual, but to me going underground sounds more constructive, sounds more nourishing--after all, the ground is where all seeds go to be fed before they are born; I was certainly not feeding. I had forgotten what I do to feel good. I forgot who I talk to, to vent.
There is no single event that I can point out as the cause of my depression either. There wasn't a fight or a failure, there was no bad news, no illness. That is part of what was so frustrating. The part of my mind that monkeys my emotions back and forth just wreaked havoc with me; I was composed only of confusion, fear, and anxiety.
You may have noticed I'm speaking in past tenses?
My light turned back on. Whatever confusion obscured my vision has cleared and an idea, planted by a couple loved ones, popped open to me and it was like the clouds parted.
There are trends to every person's behavior. We are never done growing, learning, changing, and learning all over again. My personal destructive, or draining, trends have been fairly clear to me for years. At the end of my years in Chicago I was working very consciously on re-shaping my habits so I could finally change the trend, and I was doing pretty well too.
There is a place inside me of pure creativity, where my voice--or my characters--are clearly defined and saying poignant and funny stuff. There are times when my ideas seem possible and brilliant and I don't hesitate in putting the wheels of action into motion.
I know there is a very basic foundation of wellness that I need to strengthen. There are four basic steps, for me, which have not cemented permanently. Let's say I have trouble in follow-through, I have trouble committing, and finishing what I start.
Since this post is doing nothing for my egoistic sense of beauty and I want to quit it before I'm done, I will quickly push through to the point. Sometimes I won't love my work right at the moment. Sometimes I won't want to do what makes me basically well, but I'm determined to exist beyond the point of caring about that feeling. There are four, simple things that create the foundation of wellness in me. If I can't do these four things every single day, then I can't learn the discipline I must learn in order to achieve the things I am able to achieve, in order to be truly energized by the sheer potential and lightness inside me and all others I meet. Simply put, I won't be able to have my happiness remain safe and strong if I don't do at least these things.
Daily Best Efforts -- No Excuses Allowed -- Must Do
1. Eat Well
3. Be outside
4. Meditate or Practice Focuses Silence
I have been repeating this mantra, in various forms, for uncountable years. I have been complaining of my tendency to procrastinate or flounder for an embarrassing amount of time. I have waited for a magical "ON" switch of discipline long enough. No one is going to do what I mean to do for me. I will not grow to be the ripe, amazing, person I am capable of being without trying a little harder.
I have shit to do and I'm tired of waiting for someone else to do it. And that feels pretty fucking good.
title quote from Mary Oliver's One or Two Things