This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Thursday, June 24, 2010

My First Pregnancy List

A short list of fun things about pregnancy:

1. Eating whatever you want because your body tells you to.  This morning, I had a tuna-melt for breakfast.  So far, my favorite pregnancy craving has been chocolate milk; drunk through a bendy straw. 

2. Napolepsy.  This inventive term was produced by me early in the first trimester when I would zombie walk to the bedroom and fall face first into a coma-like nap for at least three hours at a time.  I  plan naps into my daily schedule now.

3. Lapses in short term memory.  It's fun to retrace your steps just to remember what the hell you went into the bedroom for!

4. Extremely vivid dreams and recollection.  I've had more sex dreams while pregnant than ever before and I recall all the details.

5. Super sensory powers.  Last week I was waiting for our housemate to get up so I could ask him a car question.  From upstairs in my house with closed doors I got a whiff of cigarette smoke indicating he was up.  I ran outside and there he was, but no cigarette.  "Did you just smoke a cigarette?" I asked, and yes he had.  I can also smell fresh baked goods from a mile off.

6.  I am unbelievably horny.  Since the end of my first trimester I am hornier than before, which is saying a lot for me.  This works out for me because my partner's way into it.  So this item could also read Hotter sex life.

7.  The things people say.  I am blessed with a supportive family and friends.  I hear a lot of reassuring things from all of them, especially when I call and tell them of my most recent emotional outburst or doubts.  I also have encountered my first appalling pregnancy-related social situation.  Last week I went to a barbecue at my neighbor's house where I visited with some people I haven't seen since early May.  My neighbor's adult daughter said, "Wow!  You're really filling out, huh?" and looked me up and down.  I just smiled and thought, did she really just say that? 

The best thing I've heard came from my Grandma though.  She was joking with me about the unplanned nature of our pregnancy and said, "So, you took seriously what was poked at you in fun."  Awesome, Grandma, awesome.

8.  No one is allowed to eat your ice cream, black-forest ham, hormone free yogurt, etc.  Hey, the pregnancy books mandate it.

9. Pants not fitting right is no longer cause for concern, it's par for the course.  It's even kosher to use a rubber-band to keep last years shorts from falling down because they won't button.

10.  Boobies.  Bigger, more sensitive, tender, lucious, and responsive than ever before.  I loved them before, and now they're almost doubly good.  Might even been triply good by the end of this thing.

11.  Teasing people about what we'll name the baby.  I'm telling everyone we'll name him/her Jesus if he/she is born on Christmas.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Naive Song

One thing I learned upon entering the adult world of customs is this: with regard to "small talk" the weather is always a great place to start.  Every one has an opinion on it, and chances are high it's the same opinion.  No one likes scary high winds that might cause damage, or sideways sleet, or 300 days of rain in a row.  We can get past whatever differences we might perceive, or whatever else is catching our minds in a web, and look to something universal.  Since I'm feeling rather intimidated by the blank page or screen these days, I'll do what I would do in elevators to break the ice.

Hey, how about this weather we're having?  Don't you just love the summer-time?  I know!  The sunshine is like some happiness disease that I wait all year to catch. 

There now, I feel better.

Speaking of blank pages, I haven't written a blog-post in ages!  There is one good reason for that, I've been too busy sobbing uncontrollably! 

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Have Faith in Pandemonium!

Here's the thing.  The crux, the request, the lesson I am most most most ready to learn and put into action, do you hear me universe?!

"Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive"

Everything I Ever Done, Gonna Give It Away

I had a brief fantasy about reading my stories in public yesterday as a song on KEXP inspired me.  I realized that my stories deserved to be shared.  They exist, they are built with love, and they shouldn't sit dusty and dark, unheard.  I should prepare some more of them, get them on portable paper and take them to the cities nearby.  I should read them, for free.  I have been thinking about me: what and how I seek interests out.  There is no denying I am a writer first and foremost.  Music, visual art, expressive motion, even song lyrics are all beyond the realm of my immediate draw.  These genres inspire my writing.  In turn my writing reflects what they say.  I am friend to a great many musicians, photographers, painters, sculptors, collage-makers and so on; our exchange is always wrought best wherein they show me their work and I reflect my feelings from it back to them.  They hear their work in my words and we're both happy to have expressed ourselves in each other.  Here's something that's  more practice than anything, and is probably not like what I would take on the road.

Friday, June 4, 2010

The Serendipitous and Absurd

In thinking about baby steps this morning I noticed that I have developed more patience and ability to cheer myself onward toward my goals.  I'm getting better at holding the thought of what's next in the foreground of my mind and not thinking that all the other goals have fallen off the cliff.  They're in the background, some goals are on deck, some are birds waiting to take flight in the unknown future. 

I see that I am the same person.  It's another intensely personal anniversary for me.  I'm happy to see that I'm still the same scared, courageous, crazy, sane, wild person I was a year ago.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Show That Existence Loves to Watch

While I am not "very" pregnant as is in time elapsed, I am am very pregnant as in 100%. 
Roller coaster moodiness.  I brought it to the keyboard with a welling chest, fragments of feelings turning into disconnected words. 

And I want to connect the words, blog, people, I want to.  But another wave is moving in me and it is actually late.  I am trying to set a better example of responsibility to one's work. 

I am thinking, if I may just rap here now, of BSG and this speech about the fact that the man who destroyed human kind was made.  And that he was loved.  I'm thinking about how that speech echos what I wrote on the bathroom mirror tonight.  You are loved.  It made me pine for Burning Man.  And recall my earlier pining for something solid.  And oh, it made me feel that glowing expansion in my chest that happens when I know, I know, I know, I am loved.  Not by the other humans I keep talking about only, but by the existence that made me. 

The existence, it has all these names.  Life, I can't not believe in it.  It's the expansion in my chest, maybe that's all that I love and call existence.  It doesn't matter.  I feel so beautiful, so good, so rich, vibrant, energetic and open when I feel that expansion.  That light, open door, in my chest. 

That light went out, and another door closed in my throat, just now.  That's what happens when
I'm nostalgic for it, but not really feeling it.  That closing door takes my breath away.  It often makes me cry. 

Oh baby, but, here's a cool secret about this being pregnant thing.  Listen.  I am loved.  The, woah, other human being, growing in my abdomen is loved.  Why is it?  Why are we?  Why am I?   

Why not believe we are loved, and that is why?  We are loved.  We make the show that existence loves to watch. 

We Make the Show

Today seems like a great day to share some titillating news.  It does so because I have been on a hormone high that one mom referred to as like "riding a roller-coaster blindfolded."  It has been such a great day that I might as well start my telling of it at the beginning.