Sometimes, it's not pretty. In fact I have fallen to tears repeatedly in the last several days and have emitted such utterances as, "I hate every thing." I haven't said that with any sincerity since the shock of graduating college $35,000 in debt hit me. If I were to use the parlance of our times I'd say FML.
After a harrowing weekend in the kitchen I was eyeballs deep in a mental fog that was so tricky I didn't even know it was fog. When I embarked on this purge I expected physical discomforts like headaches, body aches, and general sluggishness. That did happen for the first three days, but has since subsided. What I find now, physically speaking, is that I require 1/4 the food I used to eat. I see that I've learned how to eat only when hungry, and not when stressed, bored, or otherwise. My body has been, for the most part, feeling good. What I didn't recall, or expect was the mental result of this purge.
After my shift this evening I called Hadj, feeling inconsolable and on the verge of tears. For about twenty minutes I said nothing of use, beyond, "I don't know." I felt depressingly befuddled like myself at sixteen. I wanted to give up. I wanted to get high, to quit, to eat the pilfered day-old muffin containing the sweet nectar composed of butter, sugar, and all-purpose flour.
"At least normal people can drink a glass of wine or two after a stressful day!" I wailed. At another point I crumpled and spewed an outright falsehood, "I just want to live a normal, boring life!" Continuing, I cried, "I'm tired of all these extremes!" Et cetera...
I eventually pulled myself together and drove home. I listened to the blues, which always make me feel better and pondered the helpfulness of spending the night listening to the rain fall on the canvas of my nearly complete studio. When I got home, I was embarrassed for my extremely emotional behavior and negativity. As I sat, unwinding and trying not to slump and heap myself over, Hadj asked me if he could read something to me. From Healing with Whole Foods:
Emotional/Psychological DischargesSo next time I'm having emotional/verbal negativity spew forth from my mouth, I'll take comfort that, I'm not alone and persevere onward...while imagining the cheeseburger I'm going to eat and the wine I'm going to drink when this is all over.
Throughout the process of purification, the individual can be expected to have a number of healing reactions arising from the residues of past experiences. The cells of the body--in particular those of the brain and liver--are actively encoded with every emotional or mental issue that has not been resolved [...] When a balanced diet and lifestyle are followed, the cells of the body relax and eventually normalize. As cell and tissue distortions are released, the repressed emotions that accompanied them are also released and begin to surface. In Biblical times, these releases were called "demons" and still could be, for the demons that plague us are our psychological projections generated by unresolved issues or ambivalence toward our unfolding paths. [...] More common than the physical pains of any withdrawal are its psychological and emotional symptoms. [...] The most significant factor for achieving success in dietary transition will be the willingness to face whatever comes up, to learn from it, and to resolve it. This attitude of discipline and perseverance eases emotional distress while allowing the body to continue to purify new areas. [...] Purification is not solely a physical or emotional matter; it entails purification of the mind, which ultimately includes inner development, attention, and wisdom.