This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Reaping Reward, Planting Success

In a post earlier this week I wrote about developing three things for myself: understanding, appreciation, and forgiveness.  I realized, after that dream, that I know how to treat my body right.  I have learned the material. 

Ten years ago I woke up and saw that I was sorely abusing my one and only body. It took me some time to accept that I was regularly over eating, had an imbalanced diet, and unhealthy attitudes.  I accepted eventually too that I needed to get regular exercise and learn how to manage, not medicate, my stress.  Now, ten years later, I finally, really believe that I do know what choices to make to feel and be my best

It is true that I could have chosen to believe this much sooner than I did.  It is even true that I didn't "need" to believe that I was slumbering before and had since woken in a melee of self-abuse.  I know we choose our perceptions, but sometimes, it seems much more like our perceptions choose us. 

Nevertheless! Late bloomer and tough crowd or not, I am here.  I am ready.  Zoom in on my ass, Mr. Deville, cause it's hot and gettin' hotter.

Late last week, and halfway into this one, I was feeling a lot of anger at my body.  It wasn't doing what "it's supposed to," I thought with internal vehemence.  This anger was coloring my mood and my health

On Wednesday night several factors culminated into an emotional event.  Afterwords, I felt myself purged of the anger I had been feeling.  During the purging, which was triggered by something unrelated, and which looked like me sobbing over severe tragedy, I had an internal linguistic exchange which included some of the concepts from the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron.  I first read of her teachings five years ago.  Every time I happen across more of her wisdom it imprints on me and has a dramatic effect in shaping my attitude toward the situations I encounter.  This linguistic exchange was between my deep, knowing voice, and my surface, ego voice.  I was led toward gentleness and acceptance of my anger.  I was able to see the anger as something unhealthy and detrimental to my healing and let it go. 

This is not to say that it won't return in time for one or another reason, but for the moment, I feel lighter.  I am more frequently choosing to be consciously gentle with myself when I encounter things about me which I do not desire.  I believe this affirmation is one you should repeat aloud to yourself, often, if it strikes you now.

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