This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Dreams of Forgiveness

Two weeks ago I woke with a start from a dream.  Its intricacy overwhelmed me so I wrote the general feeling and reaction in my journal:
A child is making sacrifice for a godlike entity.  I don't know if the entity is good or evil.  This child commits acts of seemingly terrible natures at the behest of someone else who may, in fact, be entirely in her own head.  The child dizzies herself while concealing some large thing with evil on behalf of the entity she works for.  She is in a trance. 

There is another child too.  The other child does not stop the acts, even though they seem torturous to perform, but stands by watching.  She waits to comfort, but does not shorten the endurance required.  She seems powerless of action, but definitely persuasive of mind.
As I mentioned, I woke with a start and the first thing that came to mind was a flashback to my childhood.  I recalled, in immediate detail like it were yesterday, how there was a period when I used to get rubbed raw where the elastic band in my underwear went around my legs.  I didn't tell anyone, nor did I ask for new underwear that fit properly.  I assumed the raw pain was my fault; my punishment for being "too fat."

It took me a second to get over this recollection, but next my mind wandered to stories I've read in which humans put stinging nettles in their clothing as constant penitence and reminders of the suffering of Christ.  I saw further, then, that I don't need that.  I don't need to repent all the time.  Every mistake can be an opportunity instead of a failure.  Every question can be a key and not a deficit.  I can be gentle, soft, appreciative and even gracefully receive the great gifts of life.  I can learn to let go of the "nettles and hair shirt" routine.  I need not suffer so.

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