This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Friday, December 25, 2009

Vow to Keep It Really Real

I am driven toward great heights which will require me to fully understand my own behavior and reactions.  Therefore it has become imperative to me to attune with my cyclical introverted and extroverted phases.  To me, part of this process involves becoming more fully honest in my writing about my behavior.  I am totally honest about my thoughts and emotions, but my behaviors are mysteriously left out unless they seem somehow attractive to me.  What is included is frequently out of context or like a flash flood.

Here's my first admission of behavior: I over state my inabilities when I'm being critiqued for my mistakes.  A simpler way to say that might be: I make excuses. 

For example: I was told not to begin sentences with verbs. 
It sometimes feels like I break this dictum daily.  When I'm called on it, my internal reaction is one of immediate frustration.  Last week I said, "I can't do it! It's impossible! What if there's an emergency? Or if I just have to yell out 'DUCK!'?"

Context: This rule was agreed upon between my partner and I.  The story behind it is that I am trying to break and avoid a habit which I learned at a young age from one of the adults near and dear to me.  Hadj assured me that my progress is apparent and that I obviously can change this habit because I already am.  He called me on my excuse making which revealed the route I take to get around my responsibilities and mistakes.
So that example is not so crazy.  Probably a lot of people, especially ones with expectations as high as mine, overstate their own inadequacies when they are frustrated or feeling like a failure.  But, I'm practicing; like when I told you all about my retreats to the closet the other day.  Writing out that behavior simply was not natural to me at first, but it did feel good.  (I'll have to tell the myriad stories in my repertoire about coming out of various closets here sometime.)  I'm just getting used to this sheer veneer.  I don't know if I'll be over sharing, if this practice will accomplish what I hope it will, but I'm dedicated to it.  I'll try to leave the bathroom out of it - which, will honestly be challenging - because I seem endlessly amused and fascinated with potty talk.

Well, this post seems more scientific than I originally intended it to.  I'm going to go write the post I really wanted to write on tumblr - where my more pop/catch phrases/thoughts (pictures, quotes, chats, links) are posted.  It's called 5 year goals.

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