This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Just Down the Road A Ways

It's been a very fine day. Sure, the dampness of cat vomit on my hand woke me at five a.m. and also revealed one of the dogs on the unsanctioned couch cushions, but that was nothing. I remembered to crawl from the monolith of our inappropriately comfortable bed before it sucked me into crankiness spurred by morning lethargy. The scenery around these parts is beginning to construct itself into my senses. The mail comes very early and the garbage is picked up Friday morning. Cooking and showering render all the windows fogged until the condensation begins to thin and run down the windows to the black metal sills. Willow-kitty is becoming more accustomed to his new doggie housemates and Billie-the-cat has become relaxed enough to snuggle again. I've been baking the same batch of ginger-molasses cookies for three days because I can only bake three at a time in the tiny toaster-oven. I'm unpacking in every possible way, alongside my new partner, inside my new home. I begin with these visible accomplishments as a means of moving forward and assessing the developments within and outside myself (even though I could extensively list all the simple things that visibly excite our progress every day).

You could guess that I did not really know what I was getting myself into. I'll give some more concrete proof on why this is true later, but first, take a look at a statement I happened upon when chatting with Hadj yesterday.
It's like I'm afraid to learn the plan I'm about to undertake because I already do not believe that I will succeed.
We were talking about a detox that we're planning to do as soon as possible from the Healing with Foods book. I had realized, while trying to enjoy a cheese sandwich, that the equation "diet = failure" is ingrained in my being (also, the word "diet" should be taken here to mean "eating plan" not "weight loss plan"). I became thoughtful about this understanding of myself and began to explore it aloud for both our benefits. We talked it through to the positive end point, which was that I have succeeded, by making a commitment, before and that I am committed to do so again. The point of my bringing up the statement I made was to illustrate that I hardly knew what I was doing when I packed up my entire being and trucked it over to Belfair, in large part because I was too busy imagining things and not busy enough reading the facts. So, lesson 1:
Don't be afraid to read the facts. Don't be afraid of failure. Do make a strong commitment to succeed.
Since I promised I'd give more concrete proof of my ignorance to the details, let me say that I really didn't know that Belfair has a population of only about 8,000 with the median age being statistically around 40 and the average income per household being about $3,000 less than the average income for a 28 year old administrative assistant in Chicago. Sheesh. However, Hadj is currently putting kindling into our freshly swept wood stove downstairs and the house smells of cookies. You takes your hits and you takes your misses...

Another realization I had came two days ago in the company of my two new friends, Stephanie and Jeff. I had an insta-connection with Stephanie and was able to talk "on the level" with her immediately, knowing she heard me loud and clear. She was talking about her jobs in male dominated industries and how that has affected her. We got going, and I got to gesturing, and became excited to discuss the experiences we've had as women in a world where so many seem to only learn the (s)extremes about life and relationships. Because of a few exchanges between the four of us I realized that I still have a difficult time revealing myself truly to, or in the company of, men. I become embarrassed and distracted because I don't know how I am perceived. I remembered my akashic records reading, from earlier this year, and returned to those notes today. From that re-reading I was given words to understand that
underneath my embarrassment is the fear of making myself vulnerable to men due to a deep mistrust of them.
I'm excited about this. Inside that same section of my reading was the information I really need to focus on, which is that
I am safe, loved, and can be who I am all the way. My fear of being vulnerable does not serve my goals and I can let it go.
Every day has contained numerous opportunities for deepening the connection between Hadj and I. Things are, of course, not as I had imagined them. The space is not big enough and we are very cash poor right now. We spent nearly the first two weeks stuttering and in shock of our new situation and each other. But this does not negatively affect us. It opens our eyes more and more to our own weak points. Where we shine a light on fear we are able to see that the perceived monsters are just a proverbial drafty window or rocking chair with a coat tossed on the back. We shine light into each other and help sweep out the cobwebs, distrust, and old wounds. I know that this is what good relationships are all about; connection, unity, and a foundation built solely on love. We admit our mistakes to each other and our triggers. In him, I find all the challenges I need to bring me into a more harmonious being with myself. Sometimes he opens his mouth, unceremoniously, and and admits an outright fear or mistrust, and I am so moved that the only thought in my conscious mind is of which eye I want to stare into longest. I find myself brushing his third eye off frequently and feel that he pushes warmth into my heart at every pause.

I love to say this:
it's all happening.
A year ago I seemed to set the terribly lost self I was holding down onto firm ground and found a vision forward for myself. I find proof more and more that all I need do to succeed is to commit. Right now, I cannot see my path as I did months ago. To show how I feel these days, let me again revert to story-telling.

I have a pretty terrible sense of direction (in terms of maps and roads). Some consider me directionally deficient, while I see it as an unconscious desire to take the winding road and arrive fashionably late. Suffice it to say, I get lost pretty frequently. Placing yourself in that understanding, now think to a time when you were going somewhere new and all you had to get you there were written directions based on landmarks. You're reading your directions. You just made a left at the red barn with the big "S" on its front and your next instruction is to drive "a ways" until the road forks, then go right. The sunset is long past and it's dark on this road, but you're excited to reach your destination and have been paying extra careful attention to all the possible landmarks coming down from the horizon. You really don't know how far "a ways" is and wish the country folk could use actual miles once in awhile. It seems like everything is "just down the road" to them and you're used to calculating distances in precise numbers of blocks. But you're pretty sure the road has not forked. You're pretty sure that you just haven't gone "a ways" yet and that the fork will come soon. You keep driving. You're pretty sure and you're pretty happy and you're singing along to your favorite Regina Spektor song. You can see the stars in the black night. There is a sliver of a waxing crescent moon setting to your right. You decide to enjoy it and the feeling of being "pretty sure" turns to certain trust that you're not lost. You're on the right path. You just need to keep going.

1 comment:

n said...

Thanks Shana.

I'm at a point in my life where I can see that nothing is right but know that I'm the only person who can change that. I'm impressed with your ability to see yourself and articulate so well what you observe inside and out. I hope that this year I can make some headway like you have in life, even if the present is as unknown as the future.

You keep writing so I can keep reading, lady.