This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Remembering the Ghosts

I'm writing memories from freshman year. I am trying to write them well. I am trying to do myself a service by writing them, but not remembering them. I have heard that your brain does not differentiate memories from the present. When you remember something you may feel the emotions you felt then, unless you decide not to. Freshman year was a gateway. I saw my behaviors without the veil of routine for the first time. I didn't know how much I hated myself until that year. I didn't stop hating myself that year, but at least I saw I needed to. I'm writing these things because I have been inspired to, because I like exploring my behaviors, triggers, and rationale.

What I don't want to do is color the memories with the present, nor do I want to color the present with memories. They are me, and they are not.

I had fun my freshman year, but I was not myself. I would not begin to know myself for at least another year. It was not easy, but distracting myself from the challenge was enjoyable.

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