This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The Need to Express to Communicate

Around ten p.m. last night I entered the kitchen and saw mister eating a spoonful of roasted garlic cloves and a raw hot dog. Such is life in the suburban wiles of NW IL. Five hours earlier he had convinced me to pull myself and my costume together in time to sport ourselves to dinner with Mom, Dad, Aunty, and Uncle. They're our posse now.
Around three that day I had found a large piece of packing styrofoam, some cardboard, netting, duct tape, and the cans of white and metallic gold spray paint I've been waiting to need for over two years, and made myself a the crown for a sun costume. Then I took a nap.
I was crestfallen because my dreams from a few hours earlier seemed much less spectacular once I was off the back of my Dad's motorcycle and back on the couch in the living room. After my nap in the sun I loafed around and became cranky about getting myself together. I said it was because "couldn't figure out what to put on my ass." I realized that I wasn't as comfortable wearing panties over tights as part of a costume in front of my family I as would have been in front of an entire house full of strangers. Go figure. Hadj cajoled me and reminded me of how excited I'd been to be a radiant, happy, joyful sun for halloween. I wanted to do myself a service by overcoming the sloth that beguiles me in this place and be my best self again. I found a skirt to cover my ass and called it a little cloud.
Our posse eats at the early bird hour. In the month we've been living here I've adapted to a high sugar, high meat, high carb diet stretched over at least four meals a day and not supplemented with yoga. The extra meal developed as a result of the early bird special. Second dinner comes about three hours after first. Lyrics to "La Vie Boheme" from "Rent" keep popping into my head.

"...Why Dorothy and Toto when over the rainbow to blow off Auntie Em..."
What I think about when I'm pondering hasn't changed much in my time here. I'm grateful for that because everything around me is foreign yet familiar, an unsettling combination of emotions. My thoughts on food, yoga, energy flow, moods, moons, sex, gratitude, and attitude remain powerful. Despite that I can't seem to compose many sentences about what goes on external to my mental workings in a day or week here. I have felt, several times recently, that I'm being tested - the way devout religious say they're being tested by God (or whomever). The lessons I have learned inside, regarding grounding, health, contentedness, and so on have been put to stress in the last four weeks. I come out feeling proud of myself every time, but sometimes it takes days to get there.

In addition to staying on the "love" side of life's "love/fear" divide I have also memorized about 70% of the dialogue in "Finding Nemo." I am impressed with my ability to watch that movie so many times. I guess the traits possessed by most two to six year olds have never really stopped impressing me. I can still hold my own in an intermediate yoga class after two or three weeks without practice. I now know how to tile like a mofo. I know what bag balm is good for. I know what whole cloves of raw garlic are good for (killing bacteria!). I'm pretty sure I know when my usually irregular period is going to come. I finished knitting my first pair of socks and I went out for Halloween dressed up by choice as The Sun in devices culled from what's been in my suitcase for the last month.

I found one last way to rearrange the furniture in my childhood bedroom. I thought I'd discovered them all by 1998. However, it turns out that putting my double bed against the east facing wall not only creates a bit of a barrier between the two dog beds and the cat food, but also makes a spot just big enough for one person to do yoga in. I did yoga this morning. I get up by 7 a.m. daily without an alarm.

It only took three or four tries for Hadj and I to get good at walking up the stairs with my feet on top of his boots, a la the two year old behavior again. The dogs listen to my commands. It's a wild world.

The root of my feeling is that it's been a really fucking weird four weeks. I miss Chicago and can't wait to get to Belfair. I've lived in this house for most of my life but feel like a stranger in it. I can be in the same room as Hadj and not feel connected to him at all sometimes. All these things...there are so many things going on and they're subterranean, subtle, psychic workings that I love to analyze, but hesitate to write about here.

Let's just say it's been good, over all, post some pictures, and call it a day.

p.s. I also got my fourth tattoo:

1 comment:

Mary Francis Farmer said...

Magnificent! May you never run out of fuel for this fire. love, love, love...