My mom plays "Mr. Jones" in the background. While Amy Winehouse croons and curses the dogs wrestle loudly, the cats new collar bells jingle, and Hadj drinks black coffee. We are a family on its way. I will move out of my parents house for the third time today. This time, once the station wagon, pick up, and 5 x 8 u-haul trailer are loaded, I'll be living on the road for a couple weeks. My excitement has me wound such that my urge is to use that energy to push myself to "live better" generally, but I know better right now. I'm excited. All I can do is my best each moment, and so my best is what I am doing right now.
My mom keeps having the family gather to say goodbye to me. On Sunday we had some family over to the house for delivery Chinese. Hadj and I garnered three fortunes from the cookies included. I am unusually enamored with the fortunes we received. Love is all around me and I am home in my body again. Wherever I go from here - I am home - and know that contentedness is mine to have if I ask for it. It's good to remember these things. A couple weeks ago I felt so lost and confused that, to use a euphemism Hadj likes, I didn't know whether to take a shit or wind my watch. And I don't even wear a watch.
Hadj's fortune was this: It doesn't take much to be a success. It takes everything. I heard this fortune and the "do your best" mantra rang in my head. Like some bad tv montage, pages from "The Prophet" and "The Four Agreements" turned in my mind's eye when he read it to me. I guess when you've asked the universe to provide certainty to you, you can find its gifts everywhere. He and I need this reminder when times get dark. We push ourselves too often to give more than we have, which only causes us to misstep and have to start all over again. We can only do our best, whatever that may be at a given moment. Sometimes, my sincere best is to sit down and eat ice cream until I feel better in a given situation. Sometimes, my capacity is monumental. I trust it is the same for all of us.
My cookie-fortune was eye opening in a way that I want to describe as "pixie-ish." Devyn dubbed me "pixie" a couple years ago and I have taken to the idea over time. When I feel most pixie-like is when I am feeling playfully mischievous. Whenever the mischievous feeling turns into action, I am at my most confident. I light upon people's shoulders, engage and charm them, tease them, and flit off. I guess I hope that their eyes, or they - themselves, might follow and play with me, but if not it is all fitting. As a pixie, I don't need a following only my wings and the glint in my eyes.
When I read my fortune to myself, Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this planet, I thought of the work I'd just completed in the bathroom rebuild project, and of my desire to give. My aunt then read it and added the requisite "in bed" suffix. My eyes widened and I began giggling almost uncontrollably. Hadj shared a glance with me and seemed to play the strait-man to my comic. "I agree with that statement completely," he said. Someday I'll write the feelings that live in my pixie-playful space to their full degree, and it won't be in this blog. I do like when the universe tells jokes though...the dirtier the better.
Cyndie Lauper plays on the stereo now, to keep our moving energy up, and she sings of choosing happiness. Just as the broken hearted only notice the sad love songs, I am blessed and notice the blessings available everywhere.
There was an occurrence about two weeks ago. I didn't write about it here then, and it so shook me up, that I spent two days in a trance about it. I received a message from an energy worker I know, who uses spirit guides in her offerings. She sent me an e-mail and told me she'd received a message for me. She wrote that I was seen dancing, and that I had stopped mid-dance because I didn't know what to do next. The message for me was keep trusting, keep loving, keep dancing. In her work, the message doesn't come from her, it comes through her. I hadn't talked to this woman since late winter.
More and more I begin to wonder what my future self is going to look like. I wonder what the people that surround me will be like. We surround ourselves with those who reflect us in some way. As I move toward the light, toward the magic, toward love, I wonder what magnificent creators I will find along my way. Who and what will find me?
Hadj and I shared the last cookie-fortune last night. Spirit guides accompany you.
They're with all of us. Some of us choose to know that and some deny it.
Knowing I am held. Knowing I am alive. Knowing I could be any, infinite, other ways, but I am this one, fills me today. Today, my best is bright. Today, I shine because I am dancing again. I did get scared, I did sit down and hide my face. Fear makes life so dramatic, but love, love seems to make life hilarious.
Ok, Ok. I'm really going on here. There is a lot of energy today, as I mentioned. My mom is now pulling boxes outside for me and I want to get moving myself. One last little anecdote since I'm on a roll though. Hadj and I were driving a few weeks ago and saw a billboard for "God" that said, "If you could ask God one question, what would it be?" I thought for a while and said that I would ask God to tell me a joke.