"Learn to listen to your heart instead of to your mind. The mind always lives in the past, in fantasy, base on memory but the heart is present. The heart beats in the now. In the truth." Sunrise of the Soul, Jeru KabbalSitting and breathing for an hour, or even 35 minutes, is unbelievably powerful. Quickly, all the detractors composed in my mind become over-large and active. The thing I'm doing is so simple and natural, I'm only sitting and breathing deeply. Why then? Why is it so difficult?
I can catalog negativity for miles. Just sitting with my back straight, or breathing all the way down into my belly and all the way up into my chest, can frustrate me enough to get me up and running toward some comforting busyness. And it's interesting! It's so interesting to me to see where my body seems to hold resistance to breath and tightness for sitting. I get the urge to stop meditating, however unconsciously, and pick up the distractions, which all are labeled "painful," to turn them over and analyze them in my hands.
But am I only be adding to the trash pile that my mind is so familiar with, so used to picking over?
I've recently spent seven days with myself coming back and checking the quality of my energetic bubble, my egg. In those days I found mostly challenges around me. I received, and subsequently decided to publish four comments on this blog from a person in Hadj's past who does not know me. Again, I am inclined to talk about my reactions to these comments, but am I only feeding some dark detour? If I'm not going to talk about these comments here, why did I publish them?
Over two years ago I spontaneously decided to sit down and meditate and an amazing thing happened. I tapped in to the energy many have described as kundalini. I felt the energy at the base of my spine heat up and waken and ascend up my spine bringing good, bright energy to me, and, many texts would say, to my chakras. I felt the energy ascend and bring me light and I was completely in tune for a few moments. As soon as I tried to think about this energy it began diminishing and I have never been able to recreate the complete centering I had in those moments. It seems a trick to me: my mind, or the universe, or my posture, gave me a glimpse into the very prize (enlightenment) that has sent thousands of people searching all across time. But it was a glimpse only. Now I have to practice just sitting and breathing, no easy blue energy climbs my spine.
Reacting to the comments this week, which did disturb me in plenty of ways, I returned to my copy of Women Who Run with the Wolves. I left off many months ago on Chapter 14: La Selva Suberranea: Initiation into the Underground Forest.
We can be smart in the ways of the world, and yet almost every mother's daughter, if given half a chance, chooses the poor bargain at first. The making of this awful bargain is a matter of enormous and meaningful paradox. Even though choosing poorly could be seen as a pathologically self-destructive act, it far more often turns into a watershed event that brings vast opportunity to redevelop the power of the instinctive nature. In this respect, though there is loss and sadness, the poor bargain, like birth and death, constitutes a rather utilitarian step off the cliff planned by the Self in order to bring a woman deep into her wildness. (426)Was the brief tango with the kundalini energy a step off the proverbial cliff for me? It was not from a poor bargain, but it will propel me deep into my roots.
Finally, how does one even write about meditation? It seems absurd to try writing my experiences, because I was not supposed to be holding them in the first place.