I remember reading that Inga Muscio can spot a "self actualized person" a mile away. I remember thinking two things: me too and I'm self actualized. I was close then, but I'm closer now.
Last week contained multiple opportunities.
On Wednesday night I was prepared for a quiet night at home. I was in my favorite camisole and panty set, talking to Hadj on the phone. I received a text message from a lady who I refer to as Kelly Blue Line because I gave her my number on the blue line train months ago. I didn't hear from her until about two months later when she began texting me late at night, usually when drunk. I thought she might be looking for a booty call and I didn't too frequently respond with any speed. She texted me again this Wednesday night saying she had "4 beers and a bike" and wanting to know what I was doing.
me: "Nothing. What do you have in mind?"
her: "I'll bike over and we can drink these beers."
I decided to tell her the truth, I wasn't doing anything, to get dressed, and to let the booty come forth. Rather exciting, I thought. I didn't even have to go get the fish, she just jumped right into my waiting net. It turned out to be a much classier, honest, and clothed night than I'd anticipated. I was pleasantly surprised and giddy that I'd accepted the opportunity that had requested my attention.
I'd been stringing Gabriel along for a week, being too busy and too hesitant to tell him the truth. The truth, in this situation, is that I'm only interested in him physically. I don't have any inclination to "date" right now, there's just too much other goodness going on that deserves my energy. But an interest in the dirtier side of life is ever present in me. I came up with a solution and he came over Thursday evening. About an hour into our "date" I finally pushed the giant pink elephant from the foreground of my mind into the room.
Hadj and I are working on a project (e-mail me for details) and the language I must use for it had been reluctant to come out of my mouth. I looked back on my explanation and dealings with the evening later in the week and realized I was feeling extremely pleased with myself while also somewhat in disbelief about what I had done. I expect this combination of feelings will continue in my future.
I don't think Gabriel, by the way, is going to take the bait. It's fine with me. My job was simply to tell him what was on the table.
I had a house-wedding party to go to after having had a full day in Boystown. I didn't particularly want to leave my apartment and trek to the south side via transit, but I wanted to call my friend and tell her I wasn't coming even less. I had some nasty alarming thoughts of being assaulted in my head. I also had more fear pangs, from the alarmingly gruesome images that sometimes jump out and say "boo" from within my subconscious while bicycling the city, than I like, earlier that day. I was a bit tense and told Hadj I'd be letting him know my whereabouts all evening just in case. I told my tensions to take a hike too, and recalled that the city is not a scary place; yet again the scariest places I know of are in my mind.
I was hanging back, in no mood to mingle, make small talk, or drink. I stuck around with a primary, small group of people for most of the evening. By the time my alarm had rung to leave and catch the last bus back north, I'd decided to stay the night. I was having too much fun. There was the excitable Mexican group shouting Spanish at us from the balcony while we hula-hooped in the yard and the crass Russian showing us his thrusting skills from within the bright hoop. There was the lithe, speedy Thai girl, Gig, who astounded me with the rate at which she could be genuinely interested in Everything and the ever friendly boys visiting from Toronto.
As I leaned in to tell my friend's roommate about the crush I had on him, he leaned in spontaneously too, kissed me on the cheek; simultaneously I said, "thank you" as he said "yes".
I knew what it was to be completely in the flow of time. I felt like a rock star somehow. I felt loved, adored, held up, and possessing of the power to make happiness, to break everything down, for all. I also still, in case it sounds too ridiculous, felt just me; wanting to help and endear, being watchful over as many reactions and actions as possible in any given moment.
That night, for bed, I had to make a choice. I wanted to snuggle up between two handsome boys in a soft king-sized bed, but I followed through with my promise and spent the night instead in my friend's twin futon with her. I felt how the heat rose in her body to receive whatever touch came her way. I wanted to give her as much of what she wanted as I could. We laid talking, me rubbing her posterior smoothly, about relationships and sex. I made her an offer which she delayed and tried to listen more. I wanted to counter her truths with my own, not to convince or argue, but to share. I had to stop eventually, because a slut and celibate cannot meet across a divide sometimes - no matter the strength of the desire. She told me "it was easy" because "I've come to a place where I'm fearless". I told her she's not quite right about that.
I have ages of fear in me still. It's just that there is no fear where I live and where I'm going. I don't let it cross the threshold into my presence. I banished it somehow - for these recent days at least.
I practiced listening to my body. When my mind said, "I want ice cream" but my body said "I want water" I listened to her. My body did not have the energy to race traffic by bike and so I took her to the bus stop. She felt good. She accepted the eyes from the men on the corner who made me laugh. They eyed me, saying nothing (in English) to me, as I stood blond, white, skirted, and curvy in front of the barber shop they mill around, until I was climbing the bus steps. Then one spoke to me. He smiled at me as I sat next to the window. It is more fun to flirt when one is walking away.
I picked up my friend and we went to the beach. I called a man who gave me his number a few months ago for the first time. I began the dance of exchange again with him, all the while using the language Hadj has helped me grow. I savored the sun and wind and stillness inside me.
I have found access to my energy in new ways. I have taken responsibility for it's behavior. Parts of my muscle memory that would have developed when I was a child if I had played more, are now growing into their places. There is a stillness inside me. The worry part of me is far away from me today. She is up on a cliff. I can see her, but I'm in the parking lot. She is jumping up and down excitedly and I see her mouth opening dramatically. I cup my ear to her, but it is a purposefully comic gesture, I don't want to know what she is shouting about.