This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Carry It In My Heart

Yes, I'm back from the west and yes I'm glowing through jet-lag, which seems to have finally caught up to me. I can say with out a trace of sarcasm or embarrassment I had the time of my life (cue the music, Baby).

I wrote as much as I could down in my journal on Sunday night's flight home. I read it through tears last night to Hadj, who thanked me for my tendency to archive. I finally began bleeding on Sunday, after another "abnormally" long cycle, which caused me to be very emotionally wobbly yesterday. I thanked him on the phone. I needed to cry without getting sad and was able to.

So now I'm back. I'm here and there. I'm focusing on sitting up straight (the ever present office-worker battle in me) while also flitting around still with the giant Cedar trees in our yard. Ours. We and us. I am here and there.

I am not processing so much as I am imagining, building, and painting what is to come. There are times when every detail seems clear to me and times when I feel I'm plugging my nose before I plunge. I will talk to HR this week and give my notice soon. My family has been notified, for the most part, my going-away party will be planned. The next chapter will begin this fall. ShanaRose goes west for love and the future. How very fucking exciting.

I suppose I will begin writing some of those stories from trip soon. I keep thinking of it as my test drive week. Just so you know, I'm buying.


Laura said...

Shana, I am so excited for you! Congratulations baby!

Wanna do lunch on Friday to catch up and squeal?

Anonymous said...

The locus of power and nonconsensual control begins slowly. One sure way a person can get you locked into dependence, forsaking your own security and independence, is by uprooting you. You are leaving the familiar to go to an isolated existence, to be saved by a person you can not know.

Here is a lesson. What one says to bind you to them, the little insecure niblets that you eagerly taste, to proves youreself, to prove how different you are, to prove your worthiness, they have been said before. This is the beginning of the manipulation. Now you prove your desire by uprooting yourself. Now you lose your security.

The grooming has begun and you have taken the bait. Careful.

And why are you moving, and not your beloved?

Andy why is youth so alluring to him?