This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Thursday, July 2, 2009

You Do Something Every Day

Ever since my boss went on her month long leave, I've reverted to my sneaky selfish old ways as the employed. Sorry world, it's too hard to conform. Besides: "The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself." -Rita Mae Brown

In that vein I want to quickly get somethings down.
I have realized that my driving interest is depth. I am interested, almost solely, in the fullness of experience. I cannot befriend people who do not live deeply because I get too bored, tense, or impatient.
It is I that you have to persuade if you want to captivate, experience, capture my very person. What I offer is far too precious to be passed out like circulars for Walgreens. Treasures are not to be had for the asking alone. You must love the journey, thrill of adventure, create the story that ends in bliss.
The above is from a user on fetlife. It is still hard for me to embody her first two sentences but I am coming to live this understanding more and more everyday. I threw myself into these teeming city ponds when I was young. I was strong and fierce but clueless. The clues are becoming more and more congruent, I am valuable to an epic degree. So are we all.

Delving more deeply into the BDSM world reveals to me that these threads do not weave a sexual tapestry alone. This information, what I am learning and discovering, often has more to do with who I am as a person and what values I hold closely. The line between kinky sex and everyday life become less and less important, how you live is how you live no matter what you're doing. ((It's vague here...I have a date to get to...this is a later edit.))

I am still doing splendidly. All this work (my god I did so much behind the scenes planting since 2004) is finally bearing edible fruit. I am finding myself going more habitually to the ways I want for myself and old habits are losing strength. I am recognizing patterns in myself, ways that I behave, and correcting them quickly, gently, and soundly.
Here's a typical night at home after work: I get home, my cats are all over me. The first thing I do is take off all or most of my clothing (doesn't everyone do this?). Then I turn on music. I don't get much time at home, to myself, so I have mental lists miles long of things I want to finish, begin, or work on. It takes me quite some time to channel the 'work for other people' energy out of me and I'm impatient. I'm particularly impatient with myself (or at least I used to be...).
To modify my thinking, being, breathing, perception, I turn to a commonly known weed for advice. The weed tends to make the options spin faster in the air around my head for a time. I become physically tense and uncomfortable, my breathing seems to shallow, my mind seems to freeze before all these rotating options and then I spiral downward into an anxious inertia full of self directed frustration and criticism.

This pattern happens almost every time I get a night at home. I try to make more space for nights at home so it doesn't seem that my to do lists get attention starved and snarled, but that rarely pans out.
I've wondered over and over about my "reliance" on this commonly known and easy to grow plant. I always come back to the simple desire as being a thing to be respected in itself and try not to ruin yet another good thing with anxious over-analyzing.

It happened last night. I could feel myself getting breathless and tense and knew I had to act fast before the maw of undone options ate me alive and left me a knotted up mess of darkness. I got on my bike and rode as hard as I could for 25 minutes. I came home and did a rejuvenating and relaxing 40 minutes of strenuous yoga. Afterward I lay on my bed smiling for a time until it became clear to me how much time I had and what things I needed or wanted to accomplish. I set to work, no knots, no doubts, no anxiety. I realized what I'd just done.

These successes are invisible to the outsider. No one will congratulate me for paying my bills, picking up my strewn about clothes and scooping the cat box...except me (unless I proudly catalog these everyday successes to someone else, which I do). I will definitely congratulate myself for that and more. I am learning my lessons. I am holding my ground. I am a peaceful warrior: ready to act when necessary and stable enough to stand contentedly until action is needed.

1 comment:

Tara said...

Your evolution is so beautiful and inspiring. I'd love to hear more about how bdsm leads and weaves with this journey.