This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Sunday, June 28, 2009

This Must Be the Place

It's Pride year no.2 in which I don't participate in any big gay events. When I think about that in one way I feel pretty isolated in my wondering of why I'm not there, who should I call, what thing should I just go find. However, when I apply this mantra of "focusing on where [I] am instead of focusing on where [I] am not" it slides off pretty easily and I enjoy my experiences. Internally, my relationship to politics and gay(pride) is shifting, I think because I am working from a seat of real self actualization. No longer I am doing things so that I'll appear a certain way thus garnering a certain feel. I do what I want or need to do when the time is right, sometimes I am at odds with the girl in me who has that overwhelming need to participate. Since I'm getting better at listening to the whole me, and not just the more vocal parts of my psyche, I'm feeling pretty good despite my envy of the fun others may be having (Hadj, who's having dim sum in swaths of San Francisco Pride, included).
I've been struggling with the distance in a pretty hard way, but I've been given a good lot of mechanisms to keep strong too. "It's not the walls of the bowl that make the bowl useful," he quoted to me, "it's the empty space in the bowl that makes the bowl useful." I'm learning how to appreciate powerful feelings, even if the feeling itself is more difficult to feel. The psychic battles I wage go on, but the joyful side continues to fare better.

Short life update aside, here's a poem I wrote last week. It's draft two and makes me wish I had a better understanding of meter and poetry mechanics. I like the end though. Tell me what you think. Since it's not been worked and re-worked into something that's independently meaningful at this point, I'll give a brief description of the structure; something a finished poem should never require in my mind.
Verses 1 and 2 are introductory. Verse 3 describes the voices. Verses 4, 5, and 6 illustrate the back and forth, the battles I talked about, and it goes from there in a fashion.

"Mula Bhanda"
Back and forth night.
Thousand miles a minute
Wore-a       kinetic line.
Rut deep
where ego       brains been.

These two warring factions,
A mediator makes three,
Fucked it out in the shower just now
I’ll tell you which side won.

One side was rooting for
Sadistic pain, stinging nettles under the skin
The other side just wanted Daddy to hug her
An tuck her head under his chin

Why don’t you be quiet,
You bragging Betty?
He said he liked it.
He said he loves me.

You ain’t telling the truth then,
Hain’t come so hard, since he left.
Well I try like hell and got
A few           good ones in.

You’re just showing off,
Why don’t you be quiet?
I’ll show you.
I’ll use this new shower head.

Won’t get conhftorble.
Won’t be able to hold it.
Fuck you I will,
I’ll even control it.
I’ll drop my head back, prop my elbow here,
I loosen my back and
Rest the handle here.
I aim it just right into the jelly center
Fucking find my mula banda
Breath into nirvana
Squeak like a banana
Split my peel wide open
Fuck you cranky voice I’m going and going
I’ll have one more
Just thinking of him then thank him for the shower
And bow to the shape that I’m in
Thanks for trying cranky voice
But I got good on ya’
This mediator here
S’got an eye on ya.

Bonus Track: Talking Heads "This Must Be the Place"
(Thanks to You Ain't No Picasso for the mp3 and the awesome mix it's a part of)

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