I'm just on the other side of the door where the self I've been wanting to be has been waiting years for me. It doesn't mean that my old habits miraculously have disappeared. Mom sees it as being as simple as the difference between what you do and what you want. She thinks that aligning those two solves all problems, but I'm so full of questions. Mom and I speak very different languages much of the time. Our ability to love past what is lost in translation is what makes our relationship so special.
There is still no magic potion that gives me the feeling of alive I love so much. I still despair when that alive feeling slips out through my fingers and still obsess over poetic phrases in my mind; seeking, keening, praying for the feeling to come back through poetry. I still stare blankly at the screen at work while in my mind I'm on my bed, or a patch of sunny ground, reading something that nourishes my spirit and makes my heart soar.
What is different now, then? I know it will pass. I hold there and trust it. I know that deeper breathing will loosen the tension in my back and neck and jaw. I take those breaths. I know what alignment feels like and can keep closer to the ground, even if I'm hovering there, feet trying to touch down.
Speaking of all that - go see "Up". It's adorable in every sense of the word.