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This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Never Get So Attached to a Poem You Forget Truth Without Lyricism

((ed. note 1/9/10: some of my posts require context for the story to make sense, but the healing processes I've used are valuable without that context.  This post is personally about relationship beginnings, but it is universally about trusting the love in the world and being saved by it.  The healing portion of the blog has been excerpted below, but you can read the whole post after the jump if you wish to.))

Because of the specificity I had in speaking about my parts, my therapist gave me a right lovely book called The Book of Qualities (J. Ruth Gendler).  It contains 100 emotional qualities we experience as humans. It starts with The Wind, which I love:
The Wind is a gossip. Not in a malicious way. She just likes to move around and stir things up. She runs through fire barefoot and has no fear of heights. She carries big blue bowls of rain with her. She plays the flute and loves all kinds of sounds. Her laughter fills the sky. The Wind is a wonderful story-teller. I still remember how she introduced me to the Qualities when I was a child.
I wrote down the four parts that plague me: worry, fear, doubt, and criticism. Then wrote what I felt their opposites needed to be: patience, courage, faith, and wisdom. I will use the latter parts to counteract the destruction of the former. I will love the fear right out of myself [...] It is interesting to practice speaking to your fears so regularly. You see how often they undermine your better nature this way. Doing this takes the fire right out from under them. When I see that I am worrying, I know that it is because I am terrified of the unknown. Rather than be annoyed that I am ruining a good thing with worry, I coddle that fearful part and, if I need to, I ask for help in doing so.




Sometimes I blog because I want to write and sometimes it's more like an online journal around these parts. I am at work. My back and belly are uncomfortable. It's been gray and raining and cold for what feels like weeks in Chicago. I'm feeling a little kvetchy, but also confident that I'll bounce back as soon as it's 5:15.
The time period between Memorial Day weekend and last Monday was surreal. You've probably been keeping up pretty well, but just in case: Yes I fell in love rapidly and totally, Yes I was poised to do it again with a second person to form a poly-triad, Yes I was full of beautiful emotional discomfort and growth, Yes I was sure of it all, and Yes it has all changed again. Ha. Ha. Ha. I know a few people who seem to despise the rapid rate of change that I experience. To them I say, "poo."

Because I am a paragon of maturity.

After L decided she was not going to leave one life to start another, but rather start anew in the life she already had, Hadj and I had some processing to do (I'm teaching him all the hip dyke lingo - like "u-haul"). I was worried. I was scared. I was disappointed. The usual. If you'll please forgive me, I'm going to indulge myself here and do some copy and pasting.
***
Monday, June 8th, the night before L "dumped" us
I was all wound up today. It felt like a fucking battle in my psyche between the forces of good and evil. In therapy, after catching [my therapist] up on everything from the last three weeks, I got down to the nitty gritty of where I wanted to go.

Often in therapy I talk about my parts. The parts of me you see and hear when I fear the future or when I cut myself off are the defense mechanisms I built years and years ago which no longer are serving the purpose they once had. Those parts of me (fear, pessimism, worry and doubt) have had control for a long time over how I perceive myself and my relation to the world. Those parts are the base of the system of energetic locks I described to L. I built that lock system so long ago. I'm ready and wanting to remove that system and replace it with a nice shell, egg shaped.

So the warring factions are the joyful side and the fearful side.

The fearful side has been in control as long as most any one of my parts can remember, but this rebellion has been building for about 9 years now and it's slowly taken ground in that time. The tipping point is here and the joyful side will win.

It's going to take a lot of love to convince the fearful side to loosen her grip. I'm going to have to find ways to build relationships with her, to sooth her, receive and thank her. When I was texting you with fearful messages today, when I felt on the verge of tears repeatedly today it was because I was afraid. I was afraid that the joyful side, which won many important victories while you were here with me, was going to lose all its ground and fail, that the joy and golden light were going to be taken away from me like a mirage and that the locks would clamp back down and the worry set back in and I'd be powerless to stop it, try as I might.

I know my shell is stronger than that. I gained some good confidence in therapy today, and could hear and feel the joy surmounting something from which it would not back down. That is so good. I feel solid again right now.

Tuesday, June 9, two hours after being informed that poly-three had shrunk to "normal"-two
I will take my time and allow myself the disappointed feelings. They are valid and I shouldn't try to override them with anger or worry.

I will allow myself the time to process L's decision thoroughly before I decide if I want to pursue any kind of relationship with her. I will want to know if you would like to put in any thoughts before I act on what ever feelings have made themselves apparent in the time it takes to decide what, if any, future I want knowing her (or not).

I will love the part of me that fears that I am not enough for you. I will tell her how sweet she is for feeling so sorry that you're not getting the two you wanted, the two I wanted you (and I) to have also. I will not let her fear turn into the only feeling I feel. I will gently remind her that you have shown and told me that I am enough on my own. I will encourage her and tell her that not only am I enough, I am more than enough. I am full.

I will ask her to put her fear down so that she can see the beauty of what is there, of what I do have, right in front of me. I will not allow fears of "normalcy" to color our extraordinary togetherness. I will look at those fears of normalcy; love, hold, laugh and release them.
***
Yeah, I was freaked that "just" me wasn't enough, wasn't what Hadj had wanted.

My therapist gave me a book on Monday, to borrow, because of the specificity I had in my speaking about my parts. It's a right lovely book called The Book of Qualities (J. Ruth Gendler) and it contains 100 emotional qualities we experience as humans. It starts with The Wind, which I love:
The Wind is a gossip. Not in a malicious way. She just likes to move around and stir things up. She runs through fire barefoot and has no fear of heights. She carries big blue bowls of rain with her. She plays the flute and loves all kinds of sounds. Her laughter fills the sky. The Wind is a wonderful story-teller. I still remember how she introduced me to the Qualities when I was a child.
I wrote down the four parts that plague me: worry, fear, doubt, and criticism. Then wrote what I felt their opposites needed to be: patience, courage, faith, and wisdom. I will use the latter parts to counteract the destruction of the former. I will love the fear right out of myself.

I was worried that Hadj was either not going to move here as he had planned to before or that he was going to move here only because he said he would and he is a man of his word. So, I asked him. It is interesting to practice speaking to your fears so regularly. You see how often they undermine your better nature this way. Doing this takes the fire right out from under them. When I see that I am worrying, I know that it is because I am terrified of the unknown. Rather than be annoyed that I am ruining a good thing with worry, I coddle that fearful part and, if I need to, I ask for help in doing so. I told him about my fears and asked him what the truth was.

This adventure, though more calmly conventional than before is still going to be so royal and sweet.

1 comment:

Devyn said...

I wish you happiness and success together.