This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Monday, June 1, 2009

I Dare to Jump, Now

Pop Quiz: When one enters a veritable buffet of life and tries to talk about it, where does one begin?
A. Dessert
B. Appetizers
C. Drinks
D. The main course
E. The mosaic tile in the lobby
I'm so happy that you're here. And that you're seriously cool. I have a feeling that this is just on the edge of leaping into something that is bigger and happier and makes us all wake up every day and hoot and holler about how amazing our lives are. I want puppypiles of snuggly folks and dinners with everyone. And art and intellect and buzzing in happiness. Real communication. Exploration. Adventure. WHEE! One thing I know for sure is that everything will work out how it's supposed to. We'll all be just fine.
I did not write that! Well not then I didn't but I sure have in the past.

The mosaic tile in the lobby. The beginning, a refresher:
It happened not quite two years ago: a few months after I started this blog, a month after the universe first cracked and had me on my own roof worshiping my returning intuition, my own peace space, my own steam locomotion. These were some of the lines: Hello twinsie...I am Hadj...that is my name not an institution or a direction. I kept his letter more by accident than anything. I didn't have a clear reason directing me toward sentimentality, but neither of those details are important now. They're just fun, supporting evidence of something amazing that is happening.

Then we were seated at a nice table near a window, over looking something pretty, a koi pond or sand garden. Yes, a sand garden: able to be blown away or remade any instant. We ordered apƩritifs. I had a pineapple cocktail. The most delicious thing I've ever tasted.

We are not going to get to the main course in this round. I have to detour away from the buffet of life so I can explore another course, another sense, another development causing me to exhaust the meaning and usage of the word, "amazing."

Those quotes up there, that I could have written myself, are from another. Let's call her L for now.

I've begun telling this part of the story, this breathlessly interesting and stimulating story of mine to friends. I have begun incorporating L into these stories because L has begun incorporating into my life. My poly family.

The universe just may be cracking again. These cracking smiles jagged and fearsome. Lean in for a closer look and fall into them gleefully. Maybe some jump. Maybe some squeeze shut their eyes, plug their noses, and hold their breath. I think I might stand pondering the fall. Maybe take a few false starts, then a full hearted, legs kicking in the windy air, leap. At least, that's how I did it off the cliffs of Little Presque Isle when I first noticed the universe's tendency to provide with stellar timing.

The story sometimes contains this explanation: He came here to see his sister and family, then to see L, then to see me. In that order of priority. We had no idea. None of us.

I don't know what those sentences sound or look like to the people who hear and read it. ((I want to know; if you, reader, want to tell me.)) There's no time to go over again the surprising nature of these turns of events because there are things bigger happening all the time.

I would now like to draw your attention to the passive phrasings I'm using here..."just may be cracking again...", "...I suspect." This is what I really want to write about right now. Let's focus in on the dessert. To do that, of course, we have to zoom back out first and get a sense of the direction we're headed.

In my reading on Aquarians one thing that always comes up is a tendency towards being aloof. This fits with our being ruled by a planet of swift change and metamorphosis. One can't change easily and quickly if one's wings are clipped by responsibility or weighed down with baggage. I have bristled at these adjectives for years, not wanting to be those things, but seeing them in me anyhow. Combine this with my adoration for birds of all shapes and sizes. I have always known that my chosen super-power would be flight, even if there are better, more overall useful powers out there. I was not interested in being able to do many powerful things, just Soar.

There is a convergence happening of many strong energies at once. This convergence feels much like swirling. I can call it hurricane, I can call it whirling dervish (definitely drunk on the divine), I can even sometimes call it super nova. I have been overwhelmed with emotion several times in the last 24 hours simply by thinking about what is possible and laying on a platter right before me. Last night, in the car alone to get groceries, I began laughing like a banshee. My smile as wide as the other cracks around I said to myself, "This is my fucking wave. I am going to ride it!"

A house, a home, a sharing and convergence. This is the news of the day. The man, with whom I am so happily swept, is a para-sail on these winds of change; whereas I was ready to sit on the beach and watch him fly away like I know how to do, he has presented me with more: with a seat on the ride, with the fucking motorcycle side car I always wanted when I was a the little girl only child. Not content to just see what possibilities there are, he is a man of action and there are plans afoot.

I feel a danger, that I should not write these word because, who knows? But that is exactly the point. No one knows and so we are free to create what we will. I must take responsibility somewhere and not allow myself to think I am the eye of a storm. L has spoken aloud her dreams of a poly happy home. Hadj has spoken his aloud. I have had mine, have dreamt them, wrote them, said them. It is time for me to step up and not be afraid. No matter what happens, we will all be ok. No matter what happens it will end in tragedy. No matter what happens it will be fucked up and beautiful.

When the maximum amount of growth possible happens, it hurts. You are stretching, ripping, shaping in ways that are unfamiliar. You are vulnerable in your newfound space and length. That is the sweet spot. That is where the strength comes from. I know a something, that I keep secret from time to time.

So I am looking around quickly. I am ripping and stretching and cracking and it is so scary that I can't help but smile like a fool. Like the cat who ate the canary in the coal mine. I am allowing myself to be in love with a man who is in love with me and in love with another woman (who is also probably in love with others, now up to and soon to include me and vice versa). We are talking mutual futures. These are not things I have done. I have yearned for this scenario and now, I tell you, as much as I may revert to my bogeyman creating, habitual fearing the unknown ways, I am not afraid. I am relishing every sublime moment of pure living that I can.

I am alive with feeling. I am awake to possibilities. All this and only two people. More than being awake though, I am ready to take action. I am ready to jump from my little birdie perch and morph into that other, solid animal that I am. I haven't decided if she's a feline (from the way I move when aroused, my playfulness and my purring, and my sensitive, brooding nature) or what. I will jump from my perch and dive like a hungry birdie into this pool of responsible and decisive action. No matter what I turn into, or what I pull up, it's going to be more than I dared to believe was possible.

No comments: