This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Friday, February 13, 2009

A Two Parter: On Stress and Sensitivity

I'm crashing. I've been on the go, go, go for more than a week and the vibration of all the movement is starting to jangle my brain. I've been eating pretty well, doing yoga on my own 2 - 3 times a week and focusing on staying grounded and "in my core". (I haven't read any of my chakra books yet, so I'm not sure if what I'm doing really is strengthening my 3rd, 4th and 5th chakras but it feels right, so I'm sticking with it for now.) Despite all that, today I can't focus, my back is hurting and tight up to my neck and the base of my head. I'm trying not to put too much attention on those things; choosing instead to focus on what is good and pleasing and that I can make it until I do get to rest. If I keep positive, doing all the things I have to do until said down time comes will be more pleasant, at least.

Aaanyway...often this crashing is combined with a longing. I was doing so good last week! I didn't cram every day with 12 - 14 hours of out of my home doing stuff and it backfired. Sigh. I'm just whining. I am a kvetcher, I didn't want you all to forget that.

When you're over-tired where do you feel it?
For me, my head begins to pound and that pounding moves down over my entire body until I'm vibrating and having lots of joint pain. I begin to feel arthritic, bloated, stuck up (ahem), and fuzzy. I begin to lose sight of myself and any stressor seems bigger than it would have when rested. I begin to despair over lost time for art, reading and sanity.

What do you do when you have too much on your agenda for the amount of energy in your body?

I'm still reading Women Who Run... I remember Dr. Estes writing about the choosing of storytellers in traditional cultures. The storytellers were often picked out at a young age and they apprenticed until they were ready. They spent at least a decade learning the stories that contained all the lessons their people needed to know and how to tell them most effectively. They learned to never share too much at once so that the recievers of the stories could absorb what was important and figure out the rest on their own.

It strikes me that I am a self proclaimed storyteller and that I was often derided, or clucked over, for being "sensitive" or "too sensitive" while growing up. The storytellers, as Dr. Estes wrote, were often chosen or noticed because they were the thin-skinned children. They were the kids who didn't want the world to stop being light and amazement just because they had grown some. They were sensitive. I always felt like I was being insulted or chided when I was clucked at. I felt they were calling me weak, or some times, a "cry baby."

Now I understand myself better, I know where my roots are leading me too and I can look at this lable in my own, empowering way. I am sensitive, yes. I pick other people's feeling up quickly, I know when they sense my sense, I know when that makes them uncomfortable or not. I misunderstood my senses for a long time, so that I often felt unsafe in places. It has always been my way to blend in like a chameleon in new situations, even though my Aquarius sun sign wants to be singing out and in the center of the hustle all the time. This dichotomy within me caused a lot of insecurity, especially when I got to high school. I understand now it was a protection mechanism for me. I did not believe that my true self would be accepted and so I hid it. I sometimes worry that it was a cowardly behavior for me to do that, but I try not to worry that.

What end would my "bravery" of standing up and revealing myself have gotten me? Would I have found friends to take me in? Would I have come to understand myself more quickly?


Devyn said...

What kept you from being cowardly was that you didn't acquiesce, you didn't sell your soul. Your heartful spirit continued to See, Hear, and Feel, and so even during those most dredging moments when the dominant paradigm tried to seduce you, that spirit reminded you of who and what you are.

Again: it's because you're more afraid of not dreaming than of your dreams.

ShanaRose said...

I think everyone has this though. I don't think anyone can easily ignore whatever their spirit is whispering to them. I also don't think anyone ever sells their soul, they kill it slowly, by burying it under denial and ignoring the signs of it's flagging health.
I also think that people, all people, will always bloom if the conditions are even a tiny bit right. People, all people, have that subterranean fire keeping them going through the most difficult situations. We are designed, not only to survive, but to also thrive as soon as that is possible.