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This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Letting Go

I woke from a dream in which I had done nothing right feeling sore and rankled. It all started yesterday.

I'd held balance all through the xmas festivity, but then I was given advice. I didn't ask this connected woman to divine anything for me, I was at her studio getting a Raindrop Therapy massage at her request, for her benefit of practice (not that I'm complaining!). We talked for much of the 2 hours I was there and she laid out all sorts of her insights about Aquarius me and my path. Much of what she said was pleasant to the unattached listener, which I was not. I am attached to my nice idea of a future in massage therapy, but she told me I'd be bored by the schooling bureaucracy and the lack of spirituality in the reality of massage therapy. She gave me suggestions for other elements to focus on - anointing, baptizing, christening, marrying, and administering spiritual hope to the dying, a sort of non-denominational last rights. I'm honored at her confidence in my healing ability and that she saw so clearly my devotion to whatever I'll wind up calling the Divine. Maybe I'll call it Her, or The Wind; at any rate it was good to have these encouragements but it was, an hour after I left, agitating me as well.

I stood at the bus stop, the air stunk of city exhaustion and it was misting a fine rain in the chilly air. When my pen wouldn't write smoothly while I stood waiting that was it, I got irritated. No, it was before that. When I walked to lunch and made a wrong turn, when the bathroom was occupied for 20 minutes, it began to bubble up then and the pen's insolence showed it to me. The young boys wouldn't stop cussing - even that pissed me off. My thoughts ran a route of I didn't ask her for advice. I didn't want it! I liked my happy little ideas just how they were!! She'd probably laugh at my reaction right now...silly ideal Aquarius, never listens! And while I'm at it, D___'s pissed me off too with his calling my beliefs naive yesterday. Fuck!!! Thank god, there's the bus. I need to calm down.

For the rest of the night, a night which I packed full of running around in a crowded and foggy city, I was on edge and more sensitive than usual. My emotions batted me around from crying jag sad to seething rage snappiness. I maintained a bevel of calm publicly speaking but my wise friends were on to me, helped by my occasional sharp snapping. I had said I'd go rest at home to my masseuse. She'd warned me that this technique was one for balance and had a detoxifying effect on many people. I countered the simple answers at every turn; but she meant body didn't she? Her words spun in my head until I came apart at the seams and accepted that I'd worn myself out.

In my dream I had a fancy new laptop and assignments from work. But we weren't at work, we were in a big theater preparing for something momentous for the company and I kept procrastinating, kept watching daytime TV and not working. (Where did the TV come from?) Finally, when I was ready to give effort, and the deadline was about to drop on me like a guillotine, I lost the laptop. It had been moved and I couldn't find it anywhere. It wasn't mine to begin with and I was frantic with searching. I woke up after 30-or-so dream minutes of searching for this laptop that wasn't mine but that I'd held responsibility for.

So...is this some kind of unconscious message to me? Shana, let go. Be still. Be at peace. There are many reasons to be content. You didn't really lose anything. I'm going to go not to eat cake for breakfast now.

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