This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Comforting Stokes Forward

After a harrowing week with Devyn I'm finding myself again feeling stuck. He left Friday night and I didn't let anything "hit me" until Monday. I was looking forward to therapy a lot, and when I started crying because of a poem my friend wrote, for she and her girlfriend's anniversary, I knew it was going to be one of those epic feeling sessions.

I found myself curled into a fetal position crying and wanting to sob harder. Wanting to wail "it" out. My wonderful therapist made some helpful observations and then helped heal me further by leading me through some guided relaxation and imagery before my hour was up. I left there, bought some Ben and Jerry's, and found my bus home. Monday night was a night of self care in the most comforting ways possible: beer, herb, wintery scents of nutmeg, orange, cinnamon, cardamom and coriander simmering on the stove, bathrobe, and finally masturbation. I came to some helpful decisions for the future.

By Tuesday morning I was a new woman. I took my time, wrote myself a love letter:
The lunch you packed me was perfect...Come to think of it - you did me a TON of favors yesterday! You're so awesome! As in - I'm filled with AWE (not to mention awwww). From morning - that rosewater lotion you got me is Lovely - to noon (have I mentioned yoga??), to night (therapy, thai food, ice cream, beer, weed, a clean house, spices, and a hearty mouthful of pussy?!?!?!?!?!! God bless the universe that blessed me with YOU!

I felt empowered, in control of my happiness, and wise. So today's crash back down is much more frustrating. Can I blame it on the alcohol? I did go home a bit tipsy last night, but it was a good night, wasn't it? I sat in front of my computer, while mourning the quiet chill of my apartment, and stared blankly. There's a lot I need to get down on this blog, but I'm preoccupied right now.

I wanted to take a "mental health" day today and meditate and care for myself, but feared that it'd look bad after taking a sick day last Monday. So here I am, at work. It's been a slow day and the attitude that's dragging me has my body aching too. I looked up some guided imagery and meditation podcasts. There are yoga podcasts too. So tonight, the first thing I'm doing, before I do my Vagina Monologues work, before I read a bunch of jargon about my medical/financial benefit options for work, before I get high or any other distractions, I'm going to work on this block. I'm going to find the space I had created where the good energy lived and I'm going to stroke it's proverbial back (always makes me feel better) until it loosens up a bit. I'm going to stretch and breathe and sit and notice and I'm not going to force anything. Maybe I won't "get there" tonight. Maybe I won't be laughing with glee before bed today, but I'll loosen up this knot and reassure myself that I know how, I have access, and I am in control of my own happiness and success.

Because that's all there is too it.

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