This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Following Up

While riding the bus to work this morning I tried to journal some of my experience of the rally in Grant Park on Tuesday night. There was an enormous amount of energy in the air which definitely affected me, and probably everyone. I've been doing a lot of processing this week. It's been a huge fucking week.

I began feeling guilty last night when wondering why I've been posting the happenings regarding Jovan on the internet for "all" to see. I began wondering why I've done that, should I remove it, and what's my point or aim. I think I'm wanting affirmation. I'm trying to learn how to grasp the power I sometimes feel within. I'm trying to learn and teach myself how to be actively pursing my goals and envisioning my future as though I have achieved all I set out to do. This activity has shown me that I have a very difficult time actually setting out to do anything specific because so many things interest me.

I've been wanting my own cheerleader. I want a voice, mine or someone else's, to reassure me that I'm doing the right things, or to tell me that I'm doing what I do well enough. Knowing I want those affirmations has made it easier to give them to myself. I think I posted the earlier two posts because I wanted to see them at a slightly removed distance (my blog?) and also offer them up as a picture of my behaviors for others to comment on.

I think I've done the best I can do. All I can do now move forward and keep teaching myself the power of positive forward thinking and imaginative goal setting.


blue star liturgy said...

"Do only what you must do, and cannot do any other way."

ammie said...

Hey, your cheerleader showed up only... two months too late? Ah well, better late than never :)

ShanaRose said...

me: i just read the cheerleader post you just commented on...
ammie: :)
me: amanda asked me on sunday when the change i felt that has happened for me happened, and it appears it happened right around then, a little before even. i'm glad it did. it's much better to be the captain of my own ship than to be batted about like a "galleon"
ammie: hmm...definitely!
me: 'galleon' being an image that a therapist once used to describe me. and i was like, "no shit doc, why do you think i'm here?"