This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Sunday, November 30, 2008

the one where she plays jenga while drinking merlot

i just sent a "tidbits" e-mail called "things i thought to tell you while online just now". i haven't told julian that she's been hanging out lately at night in my dreams. i'm enjoying the secret. i like telling myself it's a secret.

semi-interesting-relatedly; i can't seem to find the "a softer world" that talks about secret plans.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Practice of Tonglen, Pema Chodron

While trying not to try to not think in yoga today I thought of author who wrote on the subject of the breathing through pain, Pema Chodron. I read an interview with Chodron when I was still living in Marquette. The message stuck with me and continues to develop meaning for me as I grow.

Below is an excerpt. To read all of this short essay click here.

[T]he core of the practice: breathing in other's pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open, and breathing out, sending them relaxation or whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness. However, we often cannot do this practice because we come face to face with our own fear, our own resistance, anger, or whatever our personal pain, our personal stuckness happens to be at that moment.

At that point you can change the focus and begin to do tonglen for what you are feeling and for millions of others just like you who at that very moment of time are feeling exactly the same stuckness and misery. Maybe you are able to name your pain. You recognize it clearly as terror or revulsion or anger or wanting to get revenge. So you breathe in for all the people who are caught with that same emotion and you send out relief or whatever opens up the space for yourself and all those countless others. Maybe you can't name what you're feeling. But you can feel it —a tightness in the stomach, a heavy darkness or whatever. Just contact what you are feeling and breathe in, take it in —for all of us and send out relief to all of us.

People often say that this practice goes against the grain of how we usually hold ourselves together. Truthfully, this practice does go against the grain of wanting things on our own terms, of wanting it to work out for ourselves no matter what happens to the others. The practice dissolves the armor of self-protection we've tried so hard to create around ourselves. In Buddhist language one would say that it dissolves the fixation and clinging of ego.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Dear Blog

Hello Blog. I miss using you. That said, therapy is going startlingly well. I'm now communicating with my inner 12 year old (she's snarky!) and have released some of the pain/horror at the memory of having mostly mediocre sex until I had terrible UTI's (which I kept more painfully secret) with my high school b.f. Why? Because him wanting to fuck me meant he loved me in my very twisted 17 year old brain/hormones/world. It's sad, but at least it's not hurting me anymore and that is the point.

Now where's that quote I love on experiencing pain? ...In order to let it go...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Following Up

While riding the bus to work this morning I tried to journal some of my experience of the rally in Grant Park on Tuesday night. There was an enormous amount of energy in the air which definitely affected me, and probably everyone. I've been doing a lot of processing this week. It's been a huge fucking week.

I began feeling guilty last night when wondering why I've been posting the happenings regarding Jovan on the internet for "all" to see. I began wondering why I've done that, should I remove it, and what's my point or aim. I think I'm wanting affirmation. I'm trying to learn how to grasp the power I sometimes feel within. I'm trying to learn and teach myself how to be actively pursing my goals and envisioning my future as though I have achieved all I set out to do. This activity has shown me that I have a very difficult time actually setting out to do anything specific because so many things interest me.

I've been wanting my own cheerleader. I want a voice, mine or someone else's, to reassure me that I'm doing the right things, or to tell me that I'm doing what I do well enough. Knowing I want those affirmations has made it easier to give them to myself. I think I posted the earlier two posts because I wanted to see them at a slightly removed distance (my blog?) and also offer them up as a picture of my behaviors for others to comment on.

I think I've done the best I can do. All I can do now move forward and keep teaching myself the power of positive forward thinking and imaginative goal setting.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Obama Win Makes Me Feel Like Superheroine

((Though...don't get me started on Prop 8, I'll do that tonight.))

Sent mail at 10:57 AM

Dear Jovan,

Last night was an amazing night for me, I spent it with my friend Amanda in the midst of the gigantic crowd at Grant Park. I'm overwhelmed by the emotions coming out of last night's victory and the possibilities of the future. It's led me to think about my trajectory; past and present behavior; goals.

You'd be missing out on a lot if you decide you don't want to know me. I know we're supposed to be humbly silent about our good qualities in this culture and that I'm risking sounding egotistical in saying this to you. However, in addition to being extremely sensual (sometimes bordering feral) I'm attractive and sweet, smart and complex, grounded and imaginative. I thrive on the beauty of contradictions and in-between spaces. I have a poets heart and determination for healthy expression and living.

I'd be missing out too. I'd be missing an opportunity for sexual healing; for using all of the benefits of my past toward the project of another human relationship; for finding out more about what you have to offer; for experiencing your delicious looking cock, mouth, mind and body...

I just wanted to state my case one last time before I wait to find out what'll happen. I'm not sitting idly by here: I'm hoping you want the opportunity to have me as a friend, lover, and general play mate in the human drama. I respect your choice no matter what and hope you take my honesty as a sign of my good will and strength. Herpes does not need to be devestating or passed along, there are precautions and behaviors I can use to keep partners who do not have it from getting it. My sex life can be as exciting as it was before as long as I'm given the opportunities and as long as I try to reach for them.

Shana

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

That all being said...

GoddamnitSonOfAFUUUUUCK!

Here's to Hope

I'm glad this happened on a day in which my spirits can only be broken by a McCain win for Presidency. Since I'm confident that won't happen and since I gave myself a pep talk following this disheartening IM conversation, I'll hold my head up, ask my friends for support, and hope the future holds good things for us all, my poor neglected cunt included.

Jovan (11/4/2008 9:43:07 AM): good morning
Shana: why hello there. i'll warn you, i'm addicted to the smileys on yahoo messenger :)
Jovan: that's cool
Jovan: did you get my email?
Shana: haven't checked it yet today, running a bit behind schedule
Jovan: oh that reminds me, I have to read your latest blog
Shana: in response to your email.
Do you have something in mind for our in person meeting?

I suppose we could do the whole formal date thing where we tell each other our life's story and I learn what your favorite flavor ice cream is and where you attended school. Yes, I'm interested in discovering all those things in time but you've already ignited my imagination and desire so my mind is fixed upon ravishing you the moment we're alone.
It's been so long since I've felt skin again skin, my limbs entwined with another's in post coital bliss. I want that. I want to undress you slowly, have you spread your legs wantonly then give you head.
So, I think you should invite me over and in the unlikely event the vibe isn't right no hard feelings. On the other hand should there be that spark in person be prepared to be fucked long and hard, your down covered legs hoisted over my shoulders, our eyes locked together while the swollen head of my cock inches inside you. You bite your lower lip, wincing slightly to accomodate my girth.

Shana: um...yes!
Jovan: :-D then let's have a sex date!
Shana: wahoo! this day just keeps getting better!
Jovan: what better way to get to know each other?
Shana: ha. well, it's one way for sure.
Jovan: I'll have to refrain from masturbating for a few days in advance so I have a fountain of cum for you
Shana: do i have to refrain?
Jovan: no
Shana: splendid. perhaps i will send a picture. how's friday?
Jovan: please do. friday should work
Shana: Yum.
Jovan: what will you be wearing as you answer the door?
Shana: haven't decided yet...
Shana: you are a respectable gentleman? worthy of being invited to my home and trusted?
Jovan: yes, can you assure me you are totally STD free?
Shana: no. (heartbreak). this is a conversation i prefer in person. i cannot. i am on medication, protection is fully required.
Jovan: well I assumed we would be using protection regardless
Shana: well, yes, there is that anyways.
Jovan: so does that mean you have something you don't wish to pass on?
Shana: herpes was passed to me by my current long distance partner in may. having a trusted partner "do that to me" has been very difficult, but i'm growing and learning as I cope.
Jovan: oh, well I thank you for your honesty
Shana: and i can only hope for the best from any subsequent partners. my responsibility is to be fully honest and cautious about my behaviors
Jovan: I thought I asked you upfront about that before though
Shana: it didn't come up specifically. since i was hoping for a friendship with sex with you i wanted to say it in person. i neither confirmed nor denied the presence at the time. but i was fully conscious of the need to tell you before any sex. we haven't met yet, in person, it complicated my plans.
Jovan: no offense but that takes the wind out of my sails a bit and I need to think this over
Shana: i understand. here's to hope.