There's a girl I love that I'm not supposed to love so much. I do anyway and at least she knows. She makes me feel acutely aware of myself when we're together, it can be unsettling. I told her about a dream I had a few nights ago. Telling her gave the dream and story of it new dimension. I dreamt of spiders.
There were spiders all around. I held a small, "baby" - I told myself, tarantula in my left palm. Adrenaline pounded in me but I fought the terror wanting to steam out my throat. The tarantula didn't want to hurt me and so I resisted over-reaction and held my palm out steady fingers open. The calm I washed with cleaned the fear into exhilaration.
I was in a room and small light gray spiders streamed on the floor. They moved quickly in lines, hundreds of them. They came from and went to cracks I could not see. I stood still, agape.
I'm growing out of the habit to react loudly and before the last word's meaning has stopped ringing or being spoken. I'm learning that I can keep my hand steady and palm open, no matter how scary the situation might look.
I told her this story, we sat on my bedroom floor. I was facing the wall, facing west and she facing my windows, south. I felt anxiety, fidgeted. I got up, drank some water, sat facing her and was at peace.
There is so much power in these images and ideas for me. I want to be able to write it as such, but I have a surprise party to throw. September new moon is fast approaching; my mantra has been, must go. do. be.