This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Thursday, April 24, 2008

This Lesson Must Be Learned

I went to a "holistic" doctor today. This whole body/mind health is going to cost me the proverbial arm and leg. The doctor was eager to tell me what to do with myself/my life. I loved it actually. He spoke to all the parts of me that: know, can't escape, write about constantly, think about frequently the fact that this place and this way is not my own.

"the hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else" ee cummings

I have a ton of reading material now, and bottles upon bottles of herb and naturoformulas and stuff to detoxify me. Of course, living in this place in this way will only retox me in a manner of time.

Did you know that women have a quarter of the amount of naturally occurring seratonin in their physiology than men do? THAT is so fucking interesting to me!! There are lots of things to say about that, but I am not going to do that here and now.

2 of my 3 private education loans have apparently been sent to collections. The amount past due hovers around $670.00. Duh, no I don't have that money, nor do I really have the intent to pay it any time soon. Worrying about all the fucking debt I'm in was causing me too much emotional and physical trouble and really, I'm more important to me than staying out of debt is.

You'd be surprised at how long it took me to come to that decision.

I'm 1 day post menstrual cycle now, which means my estrogen levels are kicking into high gear. I learned today that seratonin is attached to estrogen like a "train car" and that this is the reason I (and many other women) feel more balanced and at ease the week right after their bleed.

Two things before I go:
1. In rejection of my mother's family's way of trying to make a situation go away by not talking about it, I'm just going to talk about it. All of it, any of it, whatever strikes me as wanting to be said. It's easier than I would have thought and already I see the difference talking about something makes.
Remember how Harry always just said the word Voldemort as a way to decrease his power?

2. Shoot, I forgot the second thing.


Laura said...

he who must not be named! HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED!!

ShanaRose said...

Can I just say (of course I can!) that the underlying tones of defeat in this post are lame. L-A-M-E.
When one lives alone, one often needs to call oneself on one's own bullshit.
And write solipsist blogs. don'tchaknow

davka said...

wow- i can't believe that about the serontonin. i'd like to know the details of the study- maybe its a nurture thing instead of a nature thing. maybe we are all depressed because we live in a patriarchy? probably not