This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Monday, April 28, 2008

Am I Glowing Yet?

The Fun with Detox Continues!

Dinner last night was a triumph of roasted beets and their greens. Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinaigrette. Toasted cashews and Pine nuts. Kosher salt, Fresh cracked black pepper, sage, thyme. Julienned carrot. Brown rice with roasted flax seeds.

Breakfast was good too! Gluten free banana toaster waffles. The last spoonfuls of frozen Alaskan wild blueberries. A touch of Agave nectar, which I don't think I needed in the end.

To pacify my fears of a caffeine withdrawal headache, I had a cup of green chai tea. I didn't drink coffee yesterday, but weekends are a different story than Mondays at the office.

For a snack I mixed a bag of cashews, almonds, Brazil nuts, pecans, sunflower seeds and golden raisins. I just had a handful and it was so good I had to come blog about it.

Fun with Healthy Food!

***6 Hours Later***
I dunno what's causing it exactly, but I've had a nagging headache and no energy for about 2 hours now. Caffeine withdrawal?
Plus, Sugar cravings? Check.

I'm still optimistic overall. It's the perfect day to go home and be cuddly in bed with kitties while it's stupid rainy and cold out.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Just Moving Along

In a "totally Shana move" (as stated by good friend) I binged on Saturday to "prepare" for my detox diet, which I'm about 4.5 hours into now.

Part of the detox requires that I eliminate gluten, corn, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, dairy and eggs from my diet. I was given a booklet of recipes and sample meals for a week. I pulled the existing literature off the shelves and did what I do best: made a list.

Shopping for things like tapioca flour and blue agave nectar is fun, I felt like I was on an expensive scavenger hunt. I don't think I'll wind up spending more on groceries in the long run per se, but I need to stop letting my refrigerator turn into a mock stereotype frat house fridge. When I went out to the stores last night I had milk, eggs and pickles on the shelves.

I found a great sounding recipe for beet greens and am almost done with my laundry. I've scrubbed much of my house. My cats let me sleep through the night last night for the first time (progress!).

I'm feeling good.
I really love Sundays.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

This Lesson Must Be Learned

I went to a "holistic" doctor today. This whole body/mind health is going to cost me the proverbial arm and leg. The doctor was eager to tell me what to do with myself/my life. I loved it actually. He spoke to all the parts of me that: know, can't escape, write about constantly, think about frequently the fact that this place and this way is not my own.

"the hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else" ee cummings

I have a ton of reading material now, and bottles upon bottles of herb and naturoformulas and stuff to detoxify me. Of course, living in this place in this way will only retox me in a manner of time.

Did you know that women have a quarter of the amount of naturally occurring seratonin in their physiology than men do? THAT is so fucking interesting to me!! There are lots of things to say about that, but I am not going to do that here and now.

2 of my 3 private education loans have apparently been sent to collections. The amount past due hovers around $670.00. Duh, no I don't have that money, nor do I really have the intent to pay it any time soon. Worrying about all the fucking debt I'm in was causing me too much emotional and physical trouble and really, I'm more important to me than staying out of debt is.

You'd be surprised at how long it took me to come to that decision.

I'm 1 day post menstrual cycle now, which means my estrogen levels are kicking into high gear. I learned today that seratonin is attached to estrogen like a "train car" and that this is the reason I (and many other women) feel more balanced and at ease the week right after their bleed.

Two things before I go:
1. In rejection of my mother's family's way of trying to make a situation go away by not talking about it, I'm just going to talk about it. All of it, any of it, whatever strikes me as wanting to be said. It's easier than I would have thought and already I see the difference talking about something makes.
Remember how Harry always just said the word Voldemort as a way to decrease his power?

2. Shoot, I forgot the second thing.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Loving the Mystery

I spend 30 hours a week in a beige cubicle. On a wall right behind the computer screen that I stare at for 28.5 hours a week I have Neruda's Love Sonnet XVII tacked up.

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose,
or topaz or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off

I don't know what all the symbols of this poem meant to Neruda, and not all of them mean anything to me. I have re-read this poem and researched the imagery several times. It remains, not fully known, because the mystery of it is important.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I confessed to friend that I am still quite lost and spend most of my free time seeking sex. I don't find sex as often (or as well) as I seek it. I spend a lot more time than I'd like going on dates with people I'm not overtly enthusiastic about because I am turned on by pursuit, by sex, by mystery. The mystery of others is becoming less and less important to me though. If I cannot love my own mystery, how I can I love anyone or anything else's?

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

...Seeds are blest, my mystery whispers to me...

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I spoke of weariness and it was suggested I write myself love letters. I think that's a wonderful, glorious idea. I am, after all, a Master of love letters. I do, after all, adore writing them. The people to whom I have written love letters in the past were new. I am an obvious neophile. I feel lucky to turn with the moon and the days. I am new to myself often, too. I have learned quite a lot about myself since "getting" the things I spent a few post-college years working to get. My mythology becomes more complex and honest with the passing of time.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

I will spend this weekend celebrating mystery, life, Passover with family, and all the spring buds Everywhere.

Monday, April 14, 2008

I Want to Be Fearless

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

Seven generations of women in my family have taught their daughters nothing useful. Instead of holding hands or seances
in red tents with incense and loving massage
they teach us to stare at our chins.
Instead of holding hands we wring our own.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

My Grandmother repeatedly tells me to take any medicine that a therapist might prescribe me.
My cousin takes me aside,
tells me she's proud of me,
tells me I should not feel ashamed to take any medications prescribed me.
We are seven generations of gossiped secrets.

People have said that you can't say "I love you, but..."

They cannot get over that I'm not a fat kid anymore,
they want to know how I did it.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.

I walked to calm my hating voice into silence. The nimbus clouds blew quickly across the sky. I found a temple I did not know was there. Its garden of complex red and yellow flowers drew my attention to the porch, the sign above the door. My curiosity and I went in. I was given a tour during which I imitated the slow step and hushed voice of the guide. I took my shoes off at the entrance. I have always been present to others' rules.

Now I'm wishing to have not spent so much time doing the expected thing.

For the third time in a few weeks I was told about suffering ones own pain and not spreading it.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely
The world offers itself to your imagination

I have lost a solid grasp on hope. It comes, and blows away as swift as the clouds.
I am tired of my Aquarian search of the ideal but can never give it up.
There is a disease of fear eating my vibrancy.

No one has prescribed me medication and I'm thankful.
I want to be a wise woman, fearless as the witches; in the centuries of hate and power-mongering disguised as inquisition.

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

(the poetry of Mary Oliver, Wild Geese)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I Wear a Gold Halo Round My Heart

The corporate office felt like it was swallowing up my vitality today.

I went to a lunch seminar on "Financial Fitness" where they told me to do the things my first boyfriend told me to do years ago. Though, I did get a free salad for lunch.

Then, over an hour after quitting time, I read blogs while waiting on the printer. I learned that a game of hide-and-go-seek with Chickweed will be super fun, and everywhere, this growing season. I read about glorious big women down South stripping. I discovered that the best poet I've read that isn't yet known has another blog and that her Mom needs good healing energy.

I sent her that energy. I sent it out from my heart and felt the warmth and glow immediately. As soon as I read there was help needed that glow began burning brightly in my chest, I didn't have to think a thing; my energy knew where to be.

I can still be a witch. Quietly at first, and in the city for now.
It's been a trying day and all the vices I have known have come into my head as a way to release this tension.
Instead of drinking my whiskey, or buying dinner at a restaurant, or calling someone who kisses well, I'm going to blow on that golden warm energy at my heart center and re-name things that need new names and meanings.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Living in Skin

On the outside, it doesn't look like a lot has happened. On my outside, that is. Outside of my outside, Spring has happened and there are people everywhere and the nooks and crannies of this filthy city look appealing to explore again. There are crocuses popping open in white and purple and there are leaves of daffodils and tulips pulling up through the ground and buds coming out of their branches. All of this is very good of course. You'd have to be a seriously grumpy soul not to enjoy spring.

I've crashed a party in the last two weeks, gone where my heart tells me to go, and felt like a proud lioness for doing so. I've also thought that I should invest in a good stealthy pocket knife to have with me when I wander the city alone. I went to another party, like a rave, with lots of people wanting spirituality, along with others just wanting to dance, drug, or revel. I wanted to kiss, touch and experience every one's soul that looked appealing but was instead full of anxiety. What has happened, that not many can see, is that I'm chaffing off that anxiety and learning what neuroses are intrinsic and which ones are just the fear of fully being me.

I've made lists of past things that I didn't like and am trying to learn my patterns. I know again the very staunch importance of spending at least as much time making myself happy as I do trying to please others. More, if possible. I think April is a good month for me.

I have approximately 12 unfinished projects at home and now there are plants shooting up. Time to myself is becoming more important. I read Tara's blog on Chickweed and am reading about the Caryophyllaceae plant family on wikipedia and imagining the lovely blanketed hillside she described. I want to know where too look for Chickweed in these parts. I hope it grows round this area. I can recall at least 1 or 2 unspoiled places not far, sure, they're preserves...but I'm not really morally tangled by that since I will make sure to give back at least as much as I take somehow.

I had my tarot read briefly last weekend. This time there was a 2 of cups and a magician included. Moonbeam, the reader, told me that I'm looking for love with my sacral chakra. She said, it's not there.

I'm doing laundry, playing fetch with Billie, and beginning my Herbal Homework tonight. I signed up at Learning to learn how to make herbal medicines, and got my box last week, which I'm pretty excited about. I think I'm going to keep trying to scale my nasty refined sugar addiction back until my 12 projects are done, then the next project will be kicking the habit totally. That'll be 1 thing to feel good about quitting.

It's my 100th post! Here's a picture of the place where I first learned how to love being inside myself.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Freakishly Apt

My Bresny Horoscope for this week:

Aquarius Horoscope for week of March 27, 2008
Between 8 and 9 o'clock one morning, I made a 30-mile roundtrip from San Francisco to Marin County, crossing the Golden Gate Bridge twice in the process. In that brief time, I drove through five different micro-climates, some of them twice: 1. dense, blinding fog; 2. heavily overcast skies but no fog; 3. totally bright and sunny; 4. wispy fog with sun pouring down through it, creating a blend of grey and gold; 5. partially sunny with rolling bubbles of fog visible in the distance.
Judging from your current astrological omens, Aquarius, I'm guessing that what I experienced is an apt metaphor for what your life will be like in the coming days: a quick-shifting kaleidoscope of vivid moods and rich textures. Celebrate each scene, knowing it will soon give way to a new one.