This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Romantic Cynicism

I sat in a darkened conference room with 25 of my co-workers and 'bosses'. On screen was a slide show of one of my co-workers Pennsylvania late summer wedding. They had a great photographer, an ex-AP photo journalist with an eye good enough for the New Yorker. There was a Nina Simone song playing along and internally I struggled. I can easily understand the women (and men) who yearn for traditional weddings. It's hard to scoff at a lifetime of people, movies, and music telling you this is how it should be.

I wondered how people would react to me bringing a video of my commitment ceremony and reception with the woman of my dreams. As long as it's aesthetically beautiful and light-hearted, I believe our culture's become accustomed to accepting "other" sexuality, but it would still feel scary to me. I imagined becoming the token lesbian of the office. If they thought about it people would feel confused, perhaps, by my pencil skirts, thrust out curves, and heels. People might feel reassured when I tromp in with my snow and salt covered combat boots and hand knit hats; who knows any more.

These struggles are in competition, of course, with reality. My real idea is that marriage is unnecessary, save the tax breaks and partnership sanctity. My real idea is that I don't particularly want monogamy and don't know if I can even successfully "do" monogamy.

Nevertheless, I haven't let go my histories of the "dream" man or woman. Who doesn't want safe homes and arms to come to?
Well, she was one effective photographer then, wasn't she? Well, I was lucky enough to feed on fairy tales at one point, wasn't I?

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