My new apartment was, and still is, everything I had hoped for. I worry about money, but no more than when I had roommates. I have Billie and worry I don't give the lonely kitty enough time and attention, but at least we're back together and have time to work it all out. When I was readying to move from the old apartment with 2 roommates and their large dog each, I met some people that held promise.
She and he aroused me. He and she titillated my mind. He introduced me to hot phone sex, new poetry by Leonard Cohen, and the concept of a Good Man. She led me to sassy confident sex, current witty humor and feminism. They were not alone in the panoply of lovers and friends that kept my late summer weeks whirling by relentlessly.
I moved. I painted the walls and climbed onto the roof to watch the moon rising. I bled and worshiped it. I read poetry aloud to myself while Billie lazily purred across the room. I bought groceries and incense and shelving. He came to visit. I was afraid. I was afraid he would be something I didn't expect, in a bad way. She slept over the first night. I was afraid. I was afraid I was getting involved with someone who didn't have personal boundaries.
He stayed, I realized I had nothing to fear. He was unexpected and everything more wonderful. He fed me chicken vindaloo, chocolate and the sweet spot that comes from pain begged for. I began loving him as secretly as possible.
She came back again and again and stayed. I realized fear was incomplete, a non-emotion of avoidance and, useless again. She surprised me with her deft humor, determination, complete strength coupled with total care. Bit by bit I decided secrets were worth even less than fear. The only secrets worthwhile are the ones that involve only 1 person, myself.
Secrets serve only to protect that which one is afraid of, in love.
I make declarations.
Giving love and receiving love two fold has taught me more than 4 years of college did, about myself, in a span minute in comparison.
I look at last November and how I progressed to fearing love. I look at last November and see how driven I was to have someone take all of me in loving acceptance. I look and I see how I gave up the best parts of myself in that drive and I am more thankful now than any turkey could ever make me. I have gained infinity and lost none of myself into the void I used to imagine and create in love.