Boss lady returns Monday, we're all off tomorrow. I have 2.5 more hours of deliciously unsupervised time before my weekend from the day job begins. I have a feisty busy week ahead of me, beginning tonight, but that's not why I'm here.
The real reason I'm here is hard to admit, but I feel the need to do so. I am so incapable of shutting down or off, so I have to Let Out somewhere. And where better but to a cyber-vacuum full of "strangers", friends and lovers? Essentially, to everyone one and to no one, I release.
I just deleted part of a text message I was going to send to a lover. It pained me to do so, as it pained to me tap it out initially. I wanted to admit something to him that I forced myself not to. Here's why: I'm afraid of losing myself.
In reading some information about my signs (sun: aquarius, moon: taurus), things that are usually true about me were articulated. I love both comfort and the alien. I am a chameleon and a homebody. It's true, I thrive on contradiction.
So while I yearned to tell him, "I'm yours", I couldn't because parts of me are at odds.
Part 1: Fears I'm admitting defeat; as if by allowing myself to be In-Love, to be "Yours" I'm then, no longer Mine. I know this isn't the Truth or the way things Would be, it's a fear. It's based on history I think, and more accurately: insecurity, about my own track record with things like focus and motivation. Damn Aquarian ideals!
Part 2: Wonders why I'm suddenly spurred to say such things. Does it have to do with the reading I'm doing in a past blog of his, in which he is in a relationship that sounds very loving and hot. Am I'm romanticizing the partnership, envying it because I love comfort and ease (as much as I also love discomfort and difficulty)? Damn Taurus grounding!
Part 3: Tells me I'm being an overly analytical idiot who's not seeing nuance, who's not relying on being able to push and focus myself when there's nice and comfort at hand. Tells me, say it: it doesn't mean the death of anything. Say it: it's only the beginning. (Devil on the other shoulder? Don't say it: it's only the beginning. Save it.)
Ah, I'm sure we'll all reconcile and keep tripping, traipsing along through the scent of wet leaves and decay. Mmmm, autumn. I need the woods now please.