I lay in bed yesterday, idly. I was thinking about work. I was thinking that I don't "work" enough at work, that I've taken my sticking-it-to-the-man too far, because it's hindering my progress (by which I mean, making more $$$).
I was thinking this for 2 reasons: 1. I realized I've been feeling a sort of entitlement re: getting the job that I may not deserve (despite my being an above average employee for nearly 7 months) and 2. the girl in the cube next to me is going to "clinical congress" in N'awlins in 3 weeks and I'm not. We're both temp., started at the same time. She works for a different program than me, for a boss who doesn't have panic/gas attacks three times a week.
So, I vowed to myself, then, to start anew this week and keep the slacking to a minimum and wow my boss, and eventually/hopefully, the managers that walk by me with my go-get'em ness.
I'm disgusted. I use the words "the managers" in my life now. I make vows devoid of real passion nightly knowing I'll never follow through....maybe that's why I'm here. A part, too large to ignore, of me doesn't give a three-hole-punched fuck if I get ahead in the business world. I don't care about climbing ladders to places I never imagined going in the first place.
What I began thinking about later, when bound for sleep, was fetish sex and the obnoxious Oedipus complex.
Thoughts on one annoying shrink's perspective:
Right, so I haven't read a lot on this subject. All of my knowledge on the Oedipal complex comes from reading the play by Sophocles in high school and again in college. The incestuous implications have been enough to go "boo" at me from within the depths of my own fantasies and fetishes for a few years though.
I'm sure my three readers are perverts enough to know already what the implications are, but for the sake of being thorough I'll throw in the basics: Freud's version of the Oedipus complex basically says that all women dream of marrying/fucking their fathers (and perhaps killing their mothers) and vice versa. I feel like breast feeding and penis envy were thrown in in his analysis. Also, probably, was vagina envy.
Braced with my incredibly vague and un-researched knowledge on the complex Freud made famous I can attack the theories from the viewpoint of gender-fuck queer theory, and it's much easier to scoff at Freud's quaint little vanilla ideas on sex and sexuality... a la: So what if women crave dicks? Well of course men want cunts! Who wouldn't??
Enough of that romping, I'll get to my point: I've become aware of a(nother) fetish of mine recently: I dig older men. Specifically, I dig older men that largely resemble my own father's character aesthetics. More specifically, older men who have the biker/sweet dreamer/blue collar/artistic qualities to them. I like them with rough hands, faded jeans, beards, and easy laughs.
I was fantasizing about a lover of mine who fits this bill last night, and I stopped short because my mind wandered off into Freud's rumpled mine-field of theories and I got grossed out. I began to wonder about the 'daddy' fantasies (which really turn me on) and how acceptable I can find them when getting mired in the Oedipal conundrum. I moved to contemplating the functioning gay men of the world who have no problem with their 'daddy' fetishes. This little merry-go-round then led me to a generalization (which I'll hopefully debunk later) and I thought; perhaps it's possible that only people without healthy/nice/good feeling relationships to their fathers can have wild 'daddy' sex fantasy fetishes.
This generalization was borne of the stereotype re: gay men and their bad relationships with their fathers as well as thinking about a friend of mine who enjoys the 'daddy' fantasy and has a crappy relationship to her own father.
I never really came up with an answer, for it's hard to have a philosophical conversation with yourself, especially at bed time when the brain is a little lazier. Instead, I told myself that those rationalizations were silly and poorly thought out, and the key must be (duh) don't think about your own father when you want to have hot 'daddy' sex you pervert!
At that point in the story I set free all notions rational thought, resumed hot fuck-me-daddy fantasies, and jacked off to sweet dream oblivion.
Discuss amongst yourselves please and let me know your thoughts!